I Stay Here With You
by Kagari-hime
Summary: With the help of a certain someone, Kaidan has the chance to see Shepard once more and try to patch things up, although dealing with upcoming dilemmas will prove to be quite the challenge for both of them.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello there again! This is my second ME fanfiction and it takes place after ME2.**_

_**I just had more ideas pop into my head and decided it was good enough for another story other than the recent one I uploaded.**_

_**I hope you guys like it! (Please review~)**_

_**I don't own anything~**_

* * *

><p>It was late and quiet on the Normandy. In fact, so late that most of the crew were asleep and the ship's usual night crew members were at their stations checking for any signs of abnormality. Other than their slight chatter and laughter at times, it was silent.<p>

Commander Shepard learned to get used to this silence. She learned to take the silence as a time of peace and relaxation. Since their victory in the Omega 4 Relay, they have all been a slight bit more relaxed since the extermination of the immediate danger. The entire crew was aware of the fact that the danger wasn't over yet. Not one bit. As a matter of fact, the some of the current assignments involved danger. Hunting down mercenaries and criminals was still dangerous. Still, going through what was supposed to be the impossible made the crew feel great. It made them feel like a difference, and Shepard knew the feeling.

Clad in comfortable dark blue pajama pants and tank top, she was quietly reading reports from upcoming missions. So far, nothing was too seriously dangerous (mainly meeting up with the council and such), and for once, she was glad. She was glad that it seemed like her and her crew would be able to have some much needed time off. She sat down in the comfortable chair that was in front of the desk that had the picture of _him_…

She placed her datapad down next to it while running her fingers through her dark hair and directed her eyes to the image that had appeared in the digital-picture frame. His face was strong yet attractive and it bothered her that she hadn't been able to see or speak to him since Horizon. Shepard winced slightly. Just remembering the situation on Horizon bothered her. Bothered in the sense that she did not want to think about how much went wrong on that day. She wanted to say so much more but couldn't find the right words. She thought she did well when she spoke to him, but his accusations were too much for her to answer to, even if she had a clear mind.

She opened her private terminal and began to look for _his_ message, the orange glow reflecting off her light colored eyes and face. Shepard knew for a fact that she had already read his message more than a dozen times and it didn't bother her that she was going to read it once more. When Horizon came to mind, all she remembered was how angry he was. How quickly he had gotten upset with her. How he denied her the pleasure of having him join her crew. This hurt her. She was a strong woman, a person to look up to. She couldn't let herself slip in front of her crew when they have better things to occupy their minds with. She was used to dealing with her feelings alone, especially the feelings that hurt, like the death of friends and family. Although she never grieved in front of people, she did inside; after all, she was still human.

Shepard sighed after reading the message. She wanted to reply to him, but she didn't have the time to reply and promise him she would meet him. She knew the Alliance had probably kept him as busy as she was and she wouldn't know where to begin to explain to him. Maybe if she was allowed shore leave, she would take the time to message him back.

Shepard lowered her hand to rub her belly and groaned. All this thinking and staying up was making her hungry. She knew well enough to know that tonight was not a night where Sergeant Gardner stayed up to make a meal for the night shift crew and therefore, there wouldn't be anyone readily available to make her anything to eat. She got up to make her way to the mess. It wasn't the first time she had walked to certain parts of the ship in her night wear, and this may have bothered her, but she was always too busy thinking about something to care. As she walked her way to the fridge packed with fresh ingredients, she realized that the only thing she could do was pick out a snack and eat. Fruits or vegetables…

'_Greaaat…'_ She thought to herself. The already made food that was in there was for the night crew and she wasn't about to deprive some poor soul on board of a good meal. She didn't know how in the world to cook anything in there and even if she did, she'd be too impatient to cook it herself. As she was picking out a few fresh strawberries (extremely expensive ones at that), she heard Miranda's office door open.

Miranda herself was in sleepwear that clung closely to her perfectly engineered body. "Shepard." It sounded more like a question than it did a statement of acknowledgment. "Miranda." Shepard gave the woman a small smile and continued to pick out the strawberries she wanted.

"I didn't think you would be asleep, though not hungry either." Miranda coyly spoke with a smirk on her face. "Sergeant Gardner will freak when he sees that the Earth grown strawberries are gone." She laughed a bit as she proceeded to get herself a glass of water.

"I bought them. I should be entitled to eat some." Shepard tried to argue as she blissfully ate a decadently, juicy strawberry. These overpriced pieces of fruit were turning out to be quiet the expense. What are the chances that Earth-grown strawberries were going to be at the Citadel? She never imagined herself spending that much money on a fruit and consider it spoiling herself. She walked herself to one of the seats at the table near the kitchen, the sound of the small pitter-patter of her weight walking was something nice to hear other than the heavy clanking of her armor.

"Just make sure to leave us some." The other female replied. "Mind if I join you?" Miranda asked. Having her mouth full, Shepard motioned to the seat in front of her. Miranda calmly took the seat.

"I know this is a little awkward…" Miranda began as she tucked a lock of fair black hair behind her ear. "But I've been meaning to speak with you, Commander." She looked up at her superior and waited for a response.

"Sure, you know I'm always here if you need anything." Shepard said as she continued to pop the sweet and tangy fruit in her mouth. She was leaning back on her seat, same with her subordinate.

"No, it's not that I need anything… It's more about you." At this, Shepard looked up from her bowl and at Miranda. "How are you feeling? I understand that circumstances for all have been harsh but no one has stopped to ask how you are dealing with things…" Miranda stated, her blue eyes looking at Shepard's face, wondering if she had posed the question correctly. Miranda wasn't the mother-hen type of person, and her genuine concern made Shepard raise a brow.

At Miranda's question, Shepard stared off into the background to contemplate. Miranda was right. No one had stopped to ask about her true feelings. No one had stopped to ask about how she was doing or if she needed help with anything. "I'm fine…" Shepard reluctantly answered.

"See, your pause gave you away. You're not fine and that bothers me. You've taken time to help me with my problems and I think it's only fair that I help you with yours." Miranda was one to only rely on those she trusted, and looking at the matter of things, Shepard was someone she did rely on for various things. They were a team, and dare she say it, friends.

Miranda's boldness shouldn't have caught her off guard but it did. "I didn't know there was something wrong with me." Shepard casually replied as she finished off her snack, her finger circling the edge of the bowl.

"The whole crew sees you moping about something, Shepard." Miranda leaned forward onto the table, tight grasp around her glass. "Please let me know if I can do something." To Shepard, she was extremely sincere. Shepard smiled and got up from her seat, rising her arms and shoulders to stretch, revealing her belly in the process.

"Thank you, Miranda. If I find something, I'll let you know." Shepard walked her way to the sink and gently placed her bowl in it, refusing to wash it due to sheer laziness. Miranda also stood up from her seat and walked up to her commander.

"Don't hide anymore, Shepard." She smiled as she put her now empty glass next to the bowl.

* * *

><p>As Shepard laid in her bed that night, she began thinking about what could have caused Lawson to behave in such a manner. Miranda always remained in her office to do work unless she was called out for an assignment.<p>

Shepard stayed awake thinking about the possibilities until the thoughts of _him_ came up. His brown eyes, his soft lips, his firm hands holding her…

She groaned and turned to her side. How could he bring into question that special night before Ilos? She had been the one to reassure him _and_ urge him. How could he think that she could toss that aside? It was true that she didn't want to reopen old wounds, but now, it was too late.

She wanted nothing more than to see him and fix the mess they had gotten themselves into.

He did imply that there could be a chance…

* * *

><p>Kaidan ran has hands through his hair to smooth out any stray strands. Any soldier about to meet with any Alliance representative had to look presentable, even after a battle, like Staff Commander Alenko. He was clad in his usual black armor, though at the moment, it was covered in scratches and dents.<p>

Although Kaidan was the commander of his own ship, he wasn't instated as a permanent one. He had been constantly reassigned to different ships over the last couple of months and all his missions were the same. 'Remain on the lookout for geth and eliminate any if present.' He grew tired of the running around chasing what was supposed to be a threat from the perspective of the Alliance and Council. He knew better. He was on Horizon.

Kaidan, accompanied by a few members of his crew, made their way to the communication room on the ship. Once the holographic image of their superiors appeared, they all saluted.

"Commander Alenko, your reports of finding no geth on your patrols seems fictional, wouldn't you say?" One of the two holographic men spoke.

'_Straight to the point'_, Kaidan thought. "It is like the report we've sent you, sir." He offered no respect as he grew tired of these meetings. Almost after every report, they would request to speak to him. And of course, all of those meeting included their disapproval of no geth being found and ended with both sides upset with each other.

"We have no reason to lie, sir." One of Kaidan's crew spoke, attitude evident. Kaidan knew his crew was already tired of the wild goose chase. He felt bad for everyone in his position or one similar to it.

"I believe this is with Staff Commander Alenko." The same holographic man scoffed.

Kaidan sighed. "Sir, there is nothing more I can do if I don't find any geth. I suppose if I brought up the Collectors-"

"Utter lies! We will not have that here, Staff Commander. We grow tired of these reports. Our precious resources go to waste with you." The same holographic man shouted. Kaidan knew his experience with the collectors would be tossed aside once more.

"It is not all to waste. Your seizing of enemy weapons and stopping criminal attacks have been helpful. We appreciate all you and your crew do, Commander." The second holographic man spoke with ease and a slight hint of pity.

"Thank you, sir." Kaidan almost sighed. He grew more tired by the minute.

"You will all be relocated to the nearest city until further notice." The first holographic man spoke harshly.

"You will be allowed shore leave until we message you otherwise. We will send you a message with your destination and place where you will all stay." The second man repeated with much kinder words. "On the brighter note, you will all remain on the same ship." He smiled at them.

Kaidan offered a small smile of his own to the second man. He appreciated the man's kindness towards his own situation and he did enjoy the fact that at least he could keep the crew he had worked with the longest so far, aside from _her_ crew two years ago.

"Don't get yourselves into trouble." The first man spoke and promptly cut the line. Kaidan's posture relaxed as he took a deep breath and exhaled.

Just has the silence had began to reign over the room, he was startled at the loudness of the few subordinate's cheering in the room. He looked over at the young lady and two young men that we raising their arms in happiness. _'So young.'_ He thought. They had much of their lives ahead of them and they were spending a good portion of it running around the galaxy doing mindless chores for the Alliance.

He watched them quickly leave the room and followed them. He then slowly made his way to his private quarters, hearing the wave of cheers from the rest of the crew due to the news of their shore leave.

"Commander, you have two new messages!" Kaidan heard one of his subordinates shout from somewhere around the crowd of people cheering. He didn't know they were that excited for the shore leave and just smiled. He knew the feeling too well. He knew when _she_ was suspended, he was a little glad he had some time to have his way, although cut too short to his liking.

"Thank you!" He shouted back, hoping that his subordinate would hear.

Arriving at his room, he shrugged his shoulders hopping to alleviate the pain he had. He turned on his private terminal and sat down on the seat in front of it, noticing that his desk was full of past mission intel. He could feel his head begin to hurt and sighed. He hoped it wouldn't grow into a migraine. Once he heard the small beep indicating he had one or more new messages, he brought his attention to it.

One was from Alliance Command, probably letting him know where they were going to be stationed and the other was from

_Miranda Lawson…_

He didn't know a Miranda Lawson and decided to read the message from the Alliance first. After reading it and establishing that they were going to be stationed at the Citadel, he forwarded his crew their respective apartment number and location.

Now, to read this mail from a Miranda Lawson. It was common for him to receive mail advertising certain enhancement products and such, and so he figured this would be no different… Until he actually read it.

_Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko,_

_As important as you are, you are quite difficult to come into contact with. I am Miranda Lawson, the Normandy's XO. As you can figure, I was part of Cerberus and still work alongside Commander Shepard._

_I am contacting you out of concern for Commander Shepard's well being. Having been the project leader of Cerberus's Project Lazarus, I know quite a bit about her and I know that you had some sort of romantic relationship with her on the first Normandy. Given her current situation, I imagine it to be difficult for her to deal with all that has been happening._

_She is a strong woman, but I fear that since our recent victory in the Omega 4 Relay, she has had little to occupy her mind when it comes to physical battle and missions, and she is slowly coming to face all that has happened and what is to come. She has not been herself lately and I wish for you to meet with her. As a woman, I can take an accurate guess as to why she is behaving this way: you._

_Whatever your problem with Cerberus, I ask you to not place them upon her. I would like for you to help her. You're the only one who can._

_If you are interested in helping her, please choose a time and location for us to meet, I know you'd be able to spare a couple of days._

_-Miranda Lawson_

One word ran through Kaidan's mind: _'What?'_

Kaidan's mind raced and his heart paced irregularly. _'Shepard needs my help?'_ He thought. He sat there and read the message a few times. He knew she was right; even if he had still been on duty, there was little to do and he could set a course just to meet her. The message had been sent to him only an hour ago, before his meeting with the Alliance. The possibility of it being a scam did cross his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to disregard it. The chance of it being Cerberus tricking him also came to mind but again, he didn't think it was any sort of game. It felt genuine. Who else knew about his relationship with her other than the first crew themselves? As much as he hated to admit, he knew Shepard and him didn't do a good job of hiding their glances and touches around the ship back then, so it was only natural that the crew figured it out and he knew that at least Garrus, Tali, and Joker were with her, maybe even more of the original crew. Sooner or later someone would have said something. Hell, maybe even Shepard said something.

He stood up from his seat. He felt the need to let his mind calm down a bit and removed his clothes. It was time for a shower. Making sure his clothes made it down the laundry tube, he walked to his shower and turned the hot water on. He didn't care that the water was a tad too hot that it burned his skin a slight bit. His hands supported him against the wall where his shower head was located. The feeling of his skin tingling relaxed him.

What were the chances he was going to see Shepard in person again? All he was able to do was look at her image in the news whenever the reporters caught a glimpse of her.

After his long shower, he walked out of his bathroom smelling of soap and sat down on the corner of his bed, covered in only a towel. He shut his eyes tight and rested for a few minutes. He had no idea what do to. He knew the responsible thing to do was to ignore it and resume with duty. But what was duty right now? Wait until the Alliance gives him some crap mission, like they have been?

His heart told him other than his sense of responsibility. His heart told him to help her, to tell Miranda he would gladly meet her.

And that is exactly what he did.

_Ms. Miranda Lawson,_

_Thank you for your message. I appreciate your concern and truth be told, I now share it._

_I have the time to meet up anywhere on the Citadel for the next few days. Would you be available then?_

_Once again, thank you._

_-Kaidan Alenko_

Kaidan replied to the message and decided to lie on his bed. He had much to think about. Was Shepard really hung over him, like Miranda had hinted in the message? Shepard herself told him that she didn't want to hurt over what had happened, so, why would she now?

He was more than relieved that she made it back from the Omega 4 Relay alive and proud of her for being the hero the galaxy needed. He knew she would figure out a way to stop the collectors.

He closed his eyes and began thinking about her. He knew he still loved her. One couldn't just get over a woman like her that easily. He remembered how kind, yet, commanding she was. Always there when you needed her; always knew the right thing to do. He regretted the way he acted back on Horizon, that's why he apologized to her, but he never got a message back. Whatever the reason, he figured he could just ask her when he saw her.

'_Beep'_

Kaidan jerked out of his bed. Still clad in only a towel, he put on a pair of boxers and a tank top. He was going to be alone tonight, like every night, there was no reason to conceal his person with the Alliance issued nightwear.

He walked up to his desk and sat on the seat to check his terminal once more. It was Miranda again. He raised his eyebrow at her quickness.

_Staff Commander Alenko,_

_Good to hear. We are actually en route to the Citadel now. Meet me by the seats in front of the shop on the left in the Zakera Wards at 15:00 on the 17th._

_I hope to meet you there._

_-Miranda Lawson_

Kaidan checked the calendar on his omni-tool. He would actually arrive at the Citadel before then. Surprised, he smiled at himself. What had he gotten himself into?

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alllllright! How was the first chapter?<strong>_

_**Please let me know your opinions and review!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you guys for **__**all**__** your support, it really means a lot to me.**_

_**Here's the next chapter! I hope you guys enjoy it.**_

* * *

><p>Shepard slowly made her way to mess to grab a bite to eat. Who knew sitting at her terminal doing nothing while they made their way to the Citadel could be so boring. She did make a few rounds around the ship trying to get someone to talk to her for more than a few minutes. For what it was worth, at least they would be there soon, 3 hours, she remembered EDI telling her a few minutes ago.<p>

As the young Commander made her way to Sergeant Gardner, Thane caught her attention.

"Siha, may I speak with you?" He lowly spoke, big eyes staring at her.

Shepard immediately turned to where he was seated at the table. It seemed to her he hadn't even touched his food. Her gluttonous stomach was more than happy to eat whatever it was, but her mind stayed focused. "What's on your mind, Thane?"

"I was hoping I could stay at the Citadel for some time. I wish to spend some time with my son. I spoke with Captain Bailey and he says it would be no problem at all if I went to stay with him for a while…" Thane's hopeful eyes looked straight into Shepard's, waiting for an answer.

"Thane, you don't have to ask for my permission. Of course you can go." She gave him a small smile and patted him on the back. Thane returned the gesture with a smile of his own.

"Thank you, Siha." He got up and gave Gardner his untouched plate.

After both humans watched the drell leave to his usual area, they looked at each other. "He's going to have to re-heat that when he's hungry. I'm not making anymore." Gardner complained as he began putting the food in a container.

"I'm hungry." Shepard boldly stated as she sat on his counter.

"Why else would you be down here? You gonna help me scrub the toilets?" He joked. Shepard's stomach growled loudly. At this, she smiled at her cook. "Sit down. I'll quickly make something." He brushed her off the island counter the kitchen space had.

"Commander, I need to speak with you when have a moment, please." Dr. Chakwas urged from the now opened door of the med bay. "It's important." The older woman urged, furrowing her eyebrows together after she saw the mentioned woman waved her off. They both knew what the doctor wanted.

Shepard grunted as she rested her head on her forearms that were placed on the table. She was hungry, and now Chakwas was nagging her about her physical examination. Last she checked, everyone had completed their physical already except for her. When she thought about it, she had actually been avoiding the doctor for about 3 days now.

"I'm serious, Shepard." The older woman warned and walked back into the bay.

"What's she yapping about?" Gardner asked handing her a plate full of food and snacks.

"No idea." Shepard lied as she happily accepted the large cold sub the man had made for her.

Later in the afternoon, they arrived at the Citadel. Many of the crew members already began talking about their plans while there.

It had been around a month since the conversation between her and Miranda, Shepard had noticed. They hadn't spoken much about what they had established then. Shepard figured it was just a onetime thing.

"Isn't it great to have a few days off, Commander?" Joker exclaimed from his usual seat. EDI turned his comfortable seat around to face her and from the looks, he had a smile of relief. She had asked Cerberus Command for shore leave and surprisingly enough, they agreed. Maybe it was a way for The Illusive Man to get her to like him. Shepard mentally laughed at the thought. She never pictured herself asking Cerberus for such a thing, but most of her crew was Cerberus, so she did it for them. It was more of a demand than a request anyway, but her crew didn't need to know. As far as she could tell, her Cerberus subordinates seemed like they were going to call it quits.

"It is." Shepard gave him a small smile as she smoothed her grey uniform into place. She noticed it was going to feel uncomfortable to walk out of the Normandy without her armor on. They were stopped at the Citadel to stock up on more supplies and rest. Pretty much all of the crew had agreed that the Citadel was a good place to let loose. Shepard knew they were referring to getting drunk out of their minds.

"I'll be going now." Shepard announced to Joker or EDI, (whichever one was paying attention and it was most likely EDI).

"See ya, Commander." Joker casually bid his goodbye while his eyes were on the screens in front of him.

Outside felt just as uncomfortable as she has expected it to without her armor. She slowly made her way to all the shops. Taking her time with every shopkeeper and having a small conversation with them.

She decided to take her time and enjoy the view of what the Citadel had become. It felt nice to have been the one to have saved such potential. She was glad no one approached her to ask questions about the recent victory in the Omega 4 relay and she concluded it was because she was not wearing armor. She thought she blended in quite well with others.

She noticed that although she set herself on a budget, she had plenty of money to throw around and decided it was time she bought things for herself. Like clothes and comfortable shoes. She liked the pairs she owned, but accepted the fact that a few were a little worn out. She took her time browsing the catalogs for items in her size and even bought some personalized undergarments.

She eventually had plenty of bags that she could barely hold on her own. _'Should have brought a crewman…'_ She complained in her mind. She carefully made her way back to the ship. If carrying plenty of bags didn't make it obvious she had money, she didn't know what did.

She found her way back to the Normandy and sighed in relief. She was surprised to see that most of the crew was on still on board. She figured they would commence celebrating early. Sergeant Gardner passed by her to help carry the bags of fresh food to the kitchen. She was glad to have some of the weight off her back. Making her way to Miranda's office, she stopped about a dozen times to hand a few neat items she bought for crewmembers. Some were pretty useful like razors, shaving cream, make-up, combs, brushes and magazines.

She felt the need to repay her subordinates for all they had been through and she felt better buying them these small things. Once she made it to Miranda's office, she handed the woman a few magazines and some snacks.

"Well, aren't you the new Clause around here?" Miranda lightly laughed and took the gifts offered to her. "I appreciate this, Shepard."

"I would have bought you clothes if I knew what to get." Shepard said as she opened up a bag of cookies. They were a hanar brand and were a weird flavor, but still pleasing to eat. Shepard took a good look at the woman. She was dressed in her usual Cerberus attire, but there was a pistol latched onto her side and she had a big stack of papers in her left hand. "Where are you going?" The older woman spoke with food in her mouth.

"Don't worry, Shepard." Miranda made space for the magazines on her desk by rearranging some of the paperwork on it. "And why are you doing this?" She asked as she raised her head to look up to her commander's face, lifting a bag of the same cookies her commander had.

Shepard just shrugged, popped two more cookies in her mouth, and picked up her bags. "Don't cause trouble. I don't want any more crap from the Council I refuse to see for a few days." She turned swiftly, and left. Shepard continued to distribute items around to others and made sure to leave the ones for the members off-board in their private quarters.

She made her way back to her room. She tossed the now empty bag of hanar-made cookies in a waste basket she placed under her desk and sat on her couch. Looking at the amount of clothing she bought for herself made her feel accomplished. She would probably never wear some of them, but at least she made some time for her to relax and de-stress.

She casually tried all of them, included the customized underwear. _'Not bad, Shepard.'_ She mentally complimented herself as she began examining her lower body through the mirror in her bathroom. Walking back and forth from the bed and couch where she had placed all her clothes to the bathroom for the mirror was proving to be a tedious task, although she was growing to like checking herself out.

While she was modeling a pair of black underwear in the bathroom, she heard the door to her room open. She waited to hear if anyone walked in. Feeling silly and embarrassed at the situation, she finally decided to speak.

"Who's there?" She irritatingly spoke.

"Ah, Commander. It's me, Garrus." She heard his muffled voice on the other side of the door. "I guess I should have knocked?" He chuckled.

"You guess?" Shepard replied, slightly annoyed at his timing. She never figured she would be half-naked in her room talking to a subordinate. Well, there was, _him…_ And she was much more than half-naked.

"Seeing as you've made a modeling stage of your room, I'll keep it short. Jacob and some of the other crewmembers were wondering if you would like to go to The Dark Star for some drinks."

Shepard knew it the invitation was going to come sooner or later. "Yeah, sure. When?" She said as she fidgeted with her short hair. It was longer than before and she felt odd when playing with it. She hadn't had long hair since before her military days.

"At around 21:00" He said. She knew he was just as uncomfortable as she was and wanted to leave.

"Alright. Thanks Garrus. And next time knock." Never did she picture herself in this embarrassing situation. She knew Garrus would keep his mouth shut about it, he knew better.

"Won't happen again, Commander." Garrus laughed and exited. Shepard waited until she heard her room door close before exiting the bathroom. She didn't want to disappoint the crew and besides, she knew a drink or two would keep her mind off of things.

* * *

><p>"You sure she won't get angry?" Jacob's voice could be heard in Miranda's office. The tall man was leaning against the wall while he watched the young woman pack some more files in a folder. Miranda smiled at him. "She's going to be, Miranda." The man rubbed his temples and pushed himself off the wall.<p>

"I don't know how you come up with these things." He sighed. "Let me know if you need my help." Jacob gave in and left the room.

* * *

><p>Shepard happily chose to wear some of the clothes she had bought that day. She wore simple dark pants that were tight against her body and a nice dark green tunic blouse. Her shoes composed of simple flat boots she had already in her small room of a closet. There were plenty of people that dressed casually around The Dark Star. At least she hoped.<p>

As she made her way to the exit of the ship, she realized that even Joker wasn't there. He must have been dragged out by other members. "EDI, will you be okay… alone?" Shepard asked the emptiness. It seemed odd that she would ask an AI program that, but it seemed appropriate.

"Though I am not alone, I can message any one of the crew members through their omni-tool if there were to be any issues." EDI promptly responded.

"Good to know." Shepard nodded her head and left the ship. She was expecting at least a few members on board to walk with her, but the chilly artificial air was enough company. She knew in the back of her mind that the more reserved members like Samara and Jack would definitely stay behind. She trusted them alone on the ship. She didn't particularly carry a weapon with her, she knew her biotics would be more than enough if anything happened.

Once more, avoiding the crowds that would recognize her was easy. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw what she thought was a reporter, but her mind was eased when she saw a C-Sec officer drag the assumed reporter away, probably for a violation of some sort.

Shepard found her way to The Dark Star and was quickly pulled by Jacob to a table containing many of her crew. He quickly shoved a drink in her hand and began to cheer. He did promise her they would a couple of months back.

Her crew, including Garrus, Tali, Joker, and Kelly, all made room for her to sit in the middle. She laughed a bit and took her seat. A smile ran across her face. She was beginning to enjoy herself. Everyone seemed to be in a better mood.

"You're one heck of a woman, Shepard." He told her as he smiled and raised his drink.

* * *

><p>The curves of a finely shaped woman appeared in front of Kaidan, whom was nervously awaiting his meeting with this Ms. Lawson. He ran his hand through his thick dark hair and inhaled deeply. This hair fixing was becoming a real nervous habit of his. He had arrived a little earlier than the set meeting time and that was several hours ago. Five hours ago, to be exact.<p>

"Commander Alenko?" Miranda smiled at the man sitting on one of the seats where she precisely told him to meet her. Kaidan let go of the breath he held in and stood up to shake the woman's hand. She wore such a revealing suit it was making him uncomfortable, other than that, she was actually quite an attractive woman.

"Ms. Lawson?" He carefully asked as he eyed her pistol.

"Every woman needs protection, wouldn't you say?" Miranda laughed as she noticed where his eyes were planted. "Besides, I'm no idiot. I know you have a concealed weapon on you." She smiled back. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

She was _good_.

Kaidan impression of the mystery woman definitely gave him shivers. This _would_ be the person whom Shepard trusted, she was the human (and female at that) version of Wrex with that attitude. Maybe.

"One can never be too careful." He added as he felt her reach for his hand to shake it. Once the shake ended, Miranda raised her hand and held out a big folder of documents to him. She wanted to give him a datapad, but for the sake of not having to buy another one, she made copies of the files. Big files.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

"Really, Commander? You still don't trust me?" She shifted her weight to one leg, her arm still extended with the intent of a delivery.

"I don't even know if I can-" He began, with an irritated look on his face.

"I made you wait as long as you did because I needed to see if you were serious about Commander Shepard, and you've proven that to me. Please, Commander Alenko. Just take them and read them. I feel this is necessary." She cut him off and slightly rolled her eyes. Kaidan slowly took the bulk of paper and put it under his arm for a more firm grip.

"Shepard is at the Dark Star, where I will shortly join her." Miranda began to explain. "Don't meet with her until you have read those documents. Understood?" She firmly looked at him, with her ice-blue eyes and a commanding tone. Almost reminded him of the woman she was talking about.

"Wait, why are you helping me? I mean _her_? I mean-" He sighed. "Why are you doing this?" He calmly asked her even though she had already expressed why with her message to him. His chocolate brown eyes looked into hers, trying to find some explanation.

"I don't think there is a single living thing on that ship that doesn't respect and care for Shepard." She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "She hasn't been well since after our victory and I feel that you are the only one who can help her. She won't listen to any of us on the ship." Miranda now crossed her arms under her breasts.

"What am I supposed to do after I read this?" He asked, dumbfounded. He asked her simply because he felt that she had some sort of plan already in mind.

"Whatever you wish." She stated, looking at him straight in the eye, her eyebrows rising as she spoke.

"Where would I meet her?" He asked once more. His soft tone didn't help the confidence he had tried to build for this meeting. He blamed it on her ability to look down at anything.

"The Normandy, of course. We'll be here a few weeks, as I see it. Then again, there is always your apartment." She added as she looked away.

Kaidan's face grew pale as he shifted uncomfortably. As if his impression of her wasn't bad enough because he had to wait so long, this woman could sure suck the life out of anything. He knew if he messed up anywhere in his reunion with Shepard, he sure as heck wouldn't come out of it without missing a body part, why corner himself in his current apartment? "How do you know I'm stationed here?"

"Please, Commander. I know the Alliance." She scoffed, her tone of voice mockingly flat.

'_As if Cerberus is any better…'_ He thought in retaliation.

"I'll be taking my leave now. Once you're done with those documents, return them to Shepard, me, or burn them." She turned around to give him her back and began walking away. "All of them."

Still standing in the same spot, Kaidan could feel the tight knot in his stomach grow heavy and his head pulsing with a slight pain that was sure to become worse in a few minutes.

After his meeting with Miranda, Kaidan slowly made his way back to his given apartment. The cool wind blew against him, causing some of his neat hair to dance all over the place. Most of his crew were given apartments near his, or right next to it, so seeing a few of them running around the place was expected. None that passed him even took noticed, probably having too much fun.

Once he opened the door to his apartment, he sighed his back hurting from sitting so long. His head was slightly throbbing as he walked over to the island counter in his kitchen. He could feel his natural heat creep up to warm up his cheeks, nose, and ears.

After taking off his shoes, he slowly placed the bulk of paper on the clean counter and eyed it for a few seconds. _'What could they be about?'_

Kaidan had some homework to do. He sat on the barstool in front of where the papers sat, mocking him. He opened the folder and read the first page.

_The Lazarus Project._

Kaidan had a bad feeling about this. What if this was all a joke? What if it was a lie he would come to believe? Why did he even trust this woman? Was it because she was able to spend so much time with the woman he loved?

He flipped to the next page and was met with picture of a disintegrated body…and it had N7 armor.

He drew in a sharp breath and closed his eyes. _'Shepard…'_

Horrified, he analyzed all the pictures that followed it. It was terrible. Kaidan suddenly felt extremely ill. Besides his heart beating at an increased intensity, he felt the knot forming in his stomach rising to his throat. He tried to keep his breathing at a steady pace, but was failing with each picture of what was supposed to be her. Many of the pictures had been clear containers with what looked like guts and burnt skin and the ones after those had been images of her progress.

She had really been dead. Dead as dead could be.

Kaidan continued to read the documents with a heavy heart and guilty conscious. As he read through, he began to realize just how wrong he was for treating her like he did on Horizon. By all means, she deserved it if she had faked her death and had betrayed the Alliance. But there was one very important piece of evidence that was the last piece of this puzzle.

Miranda had included an OSD disk in between the files. After all he had read, and the rest to finish, he wasn't so sure he even wanted to see what it was about.

Inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, he played the OSD. It was the live reconstruction of her. Of his Shepard. The pounding in his head was so strong now he could barely hear what he assumed was Miranda's voice.

Immediately, he took the disk and threw it across the room, hearing it slam on the wall and hit the floor, the sound ripping through the silence that inhabited the apartment. He didn't want to see or read anymore. He was done. He believed her.

He couldn't take it anymore because of himself. What he had done, what he had believed in, what he had said. Kaidan felt like the worse man in the galaxy. He should have known Shepard would never lie, and much less to him. She wasn't a traitor; _she_ was betrayed by the Alliance, the very same people whom he had so wholeheartedly defended back on Horizon.

He closed the folder with the documents, refusing to read the rest. He didn't have to in order to understand.

He understood why Miranda had chosen to make him wait so long and give that to him. He knew Shepard was still hurting because of him, even if Shepard herself didn't know it. He knew that this is what it would take for him to finally realize how wrong he was.

Kaidan carefully made it to his bedroom and sat on the edge. He was definitely not a proud man. His eyes stung with the threat of tears. The liquid burning in his eyes was a feeling he thought he would never allow himself to feel after her death.

How could he have been so blind? This was the woman he loved, scratch that, _still_ loved. How could he have so easily turned his back on her?

He carefully lied on his bed and buried his head in his pillows, trying to let his body rest in a comfortable position, while he contemplated his next actions. How was he going to apologize? No. He didn't deserve one. He deserved a kick in the groin, and for Shepard, he would take one. Or two.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alright! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think in the form of a review.<strong>_

_**Once again, thank you for those that read (and a cupcake for those that reviewed).**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hello there, everyone! Thank you sooooo much for those that reviewed (and read :D). It really makes my week whenever I get feedback from you guys.**_

_**I'm glad you guys are liking it so far. I work on this and my other ME fanfic whenever I get a break from my demanding classes. Lol! I will literally pop out my laptop before going into class and write some more, to edit later before I go to bed.**_

_**Enjoy this chapter!**_

* * *

><p>"Last one!" Jacob urged with Joker whistling next to him. Banging on the tables could be heard due to several of the crew present. Everyone that had joined their celebration was either a little tipsy, or full on drunk. Shepard, was full on drunk.<p>

"Yeah!" She yelled as she took her last shot of some oddly colored alcoholic drink. Seven shots and she was still standing, barely.

Shepard was so far down drunk lane, everyone, including herself, laughed at anything she did. She lazily raised a fist in the air and cheered for herself. In her attempt to stand up, her legs gave out and ended up sitting back down on her seat, hard, and it hurt. Too bad she was too drunk to feel it.

After settling down a bit, everyone walked each other back to the Normandy. This 'celebration' took longer than expected, but everyone right now seemed to think it was worth it; there was some dancing and a whole lot of liquor. Miranda had draped Jacob's hand over her shoulder and tried to lift him as best as her tipsy self could, but not without a last cheer from Shepard before she passed out in between Tali and Garrus. Kelly was tending to Joker whom was still managing not to pass out like his commander.

"How'd it go?" Jacob said, rather loudly due to his inebriation. Not that it mattered anyway, Shepard was out of it and was currently being completely carried by Garrus, whom staggered on his way to the ship, but not before Tali told him she would beat him if he dropped her.

Miranda shushed him. "I gave him the files." She carefully whispered into his ear.

In a moment of seriousness, Jacob smiled at her.

* * *

><p>The very next day, the Normandy was full of grunt, groans, and moans of discomfort. Not everyone had gone out to drink last night, and those poor productive souls had to bare the complaints of a hangover from much of the crew that returned late last night.<p>

Shepard herself was dealing with a headache so bad, she didn't even want to move from her bed. She only managed to take off her nice shirt and shoes before knocking out once more last night. Now, wrapped around her sheets, she groaned. She figured now would be the perfect time for the Reapers to come. She, and her amazing crew, were incapable of making it across the room, much less the armory.

For all the discomfort she was feeling right now, she thought it was worth it. Her crew and her had gotten close throughout the journey, even if they didn't go out to drink last night (those were just the wilder ones). She had a good time last night, spending time with half them, and knowing she could definitely trust the ship with the other half. She felt good even though her head was throbbing.

She remembered she was laughing last night. She hadn't laughed since Garrus made some sort of attempt at a joke a while back. It felt nice to be able to smile and mean it, to be able to laugh with purpose and fully enjoy it. She knew the thought had been a little selfish of her, but she deserved to claim some time for her, right?

Hearing a beeping from her terminal, she cursed. Almost letting a couple of unpleasant tears escape her eyes due to the brightness of her fish tank, which included fish of many kind that had survived the longest amount of time, she eventually made her way to her console and turned it on.

"Damn it…" She closed her eyes due to the brightness of the screen, making her eyes water once more. "I can't settle for just one drink… ever, can I?" She scolded herself for overdoing it and opened her eyes once more.

From what she could tell with her blurred eyes, the e-mail was from Miranda.

_I'd rather live by messaging your terminal than your omni-tool which would no doubt wake you up rather rudely._

_Dr. Chakwas needs to see you by today. Don't make me go up there._

_-Miranda_

Shepard cursed once more, this time at the message. Miranda knew better than to challenge her, but this time, she would comply. She had to, Chakwas was only doing her job.

* * *

><p>Kaidan combed his black hair back into his usual hairstyle and made sure he looked nice and clean. He would go see Shepard today; he had to at least look good for her.<p>

Earlier in the morning, Kaidan had messaged Miranda, asking for permission on the Normandy. Wanting to avoid a scene where former crewmembers would begin to question him as soon as he was on board, Miranda complied and agreed to his silent boarding. She promised that there would be no announcement of his boarding for Shepard's sake. Kaidan was beginning to feel he could trust this woman, regardless of her past with Cerberus.

He thought to himself, _'What am I going to say to her?' _He knew Shepard must have some feelings of hate for him and he understood. But, God, how he hurt when she died. He didn't think he would ever be the same person again. Shepard made him feel like the person he wanted to be, she encouraged him to be who he was. She did that with everyone, Wrex, Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Ashley. Especially Ashley. Shepard had this charisma no one else had.

When Shepard died, he was torn. Not a slight rip, but a tear so deep in his heart he let his feelings for her out when he received the news she had not made it out of the Normandy alive in the form of a several yells and tears. He remembered that later on, when everyone went their own ways and he was stationed on a familiar planet, he wrecked his entire apartment.

With the documents and OSD in hand, he walked his way to where ships were docked and found the Normandy. She was a bigger beauty than the old Normandy, which was now lying in pieces in Alchera. He stood before the sliding door and composed himself.

The door opened and a robotic voice greeted him, decontaminating him in the process. He winced, maybe Miranda forgot about keeping a low profile?

"Commander Alenko. Good morning. You were the only one to hear our ship's AI. I had her only alert me of your arrival." Miranda's voice was heard over the intercom in the decontamination room. "Welcome aboard the Normandy." She sounded relieved, as far as he could tell. "Go right and straight ahead you'll see an elevator. Shepard is currently in the mess, so you're welcomed to meet her there." She finished and allowed the door to open.

Kaidan quietly made his way to the elevator. It seemed like there wasn't a soul on board, and this began to send chills up his spine. Maybe she was setting him up? No, she wouldn't. Erasing the thought form his mind, he noticed that the ship actually looked very much like its predecessor in structure.

As he stood in front of the elevator, it opened, revealing Miranda. She smiled at him and inched nearer. "I'll take that." She smoothly squeezed her hand under his arm, grabbing the mass of papers and yanking them out.

"I, uh, thank you." Kaidan said as she began walking to the room to his right. This Cerberus woman had actually helped him a great deal, and it was almost odd that anyone would do that.

Her perfectly grown body turned around. "Don't thank me. I was just doing what needed to be done." She turned around once more, and resumed her way into the armory.

Kaidan didn't know how to process that, and decided against even doing so. He was here for Shepard, not to see where this woman stood on his friend's list. Empty handed, Kaidan stepped into the elevator.

Remembering the old Normandy all too well, he hit the button he figured would take him to the mess. Once the doors opened to reveal his destination, he was met with the smell of what was once breakfast and the sound of a couple of grunts.

Walking around the elevator, the scene he saw was just too humorous. He held in a laugh. Many of what he assumed were Shepard's crew, were sprawled on the floor and table. Others held themselves up against the wall. Shepard herself had her forehead against a wall, hands down at her sides. Judging by the mess of plates in the sink, they had just finished eating breakfast.

'_Shepard…'_ There she was once more, real, healthy, active, functional, whatever other word that described a person who was alive.

"Whoever suggested we go get plastered last night, don't talk to me. I don't want to see you." Shepard said loudly, which cause many of the people in the mess and (what Kaidan concluded) was the kitchen, to moan in pain.

Kaidan let out a small chuckle. Miranda did say she was going to meet Shepard at The Dark Star last night, he just didn't figure they would all get drunk enough to have a terrible hangover in the morning. He was amused Shepard was one of those people with a hangover. He noticed Miranda looked just fine when he saw her downstairs.

He decided to make his move. Shepard was currently facing the wall next to the kitchen, probably enjoying the coolness of the metal on her head. He walked up to her and positioned himself right behind her. Wrapping both his arms around her waist, he pulled her for a hug, his hands firmly holding her against his body.

He heard a moan of complaint when he pulled her, but then felt her shiver under his embrace.

"Kaidan?" She whispered, her voice almost giving out. She knew his touch all _too_ well.

"I'm sorry, Shepard." He whispered into her ear. He was almost a full head taller than her, so he could smell and enjoy the fruity scent of her dark hair. He noticed it was longer, but pushed it aside in his mind. He never thought he would be able to hold her like this again. This was something to remember.

He felt Shepard place her hands on his. He made a mental effort to memorize the moment. He felt her warmth radiate through her crew's uniform and her natural smell invade his nostrils, with the addition of the fruity scent. Her hands were amazingly soft, just like they were that night before Ilos. He had forgotten just how perfect she fit against him and vowed to remember from here on out.

Suddenly, she roughly broke the hug and turned around. Her hands were on his chest, keeping him from moving forward. She didn't understand. What was he doing here? Was she just hallucinating?

"Kaidan?" She strongly asked once more, her light colored eyes widening as she analyzed the situation. Kaidan smiled and nodded his head.

He felt too real for it to be her imagination. She could instantly tell it was him. No one had ever held her that way but him. His wide hands were always warm and gentle with her. "How did you… get here?" She asked confused, raising one hand to rub her temples. She didn't know whether she was excited or upset to see him. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she felt the heat from his body radiate through his nice polo to her hand.

"I had a little help." He replied, taking her hand off of his chest and holding it in his. "We need to talk, Shepard." Kaidan's brown eyes examined her face for any emotion.

"N-not here." She whispered to him, glancing over at the crowd of people that were suddenly sober enough to watch her like a soap opera. Kaidan caught her drift and stepped away from her. They remained there for a few minutes, just taking each other's presence in. Kaidan had a warm expression on his face, though he wasn't smiling; his body was relaxed, hands in his pockets. Shepard on the other hand, had an extremely confused look on her face, some of the wrinkles on her forehead beginning to show; one of her hands grabbing her arm, sign she was uncomfortable.

The door to the medical bay opened. "I'm ready for you, Commander." Dr. Chakwas's voice could be heard as she stepped out of the bay to see if Shepard was going to play the ignore-card. "C-commander Alenko!" She greeted, surprised at his presence. "It's good to see you again..." She carefully chose her words, examining the situation. She figured since the two biotics weren't _pulling_ at each other's throats, she was fine to great him. "You'll excuse the amount of drunkards we have inhabiting the floor here." She glared at everyone whom was soliciting the kitchen area. Many of the crew on the floor laughed at her comment, never taking their eyes away from their commander and her "friend."

"I have to go…" Shepard excuse herself, allowing her hand to slightly push him aside as she began to make her way to the med bay. She had developed mixed feelings about him and was always pushing them aside too, just like she had him. She knew how mentally exhausting Horizon was for her and was extremely angry with him for behaving that way. In the end, she figured she didn't really know him at all, which hurt even more, but she couldn't think about those things; not while there was such an important mission to tend to. And then… his letter came; the letter that had warmed her heart, like he did back on the first Normandy. She didn't know if she had forgiven him for his behavior, but one thing she did know, is that she would have reacted along the same lines as him. She understood, and because of this, didn't feel angry towards him. Upset for him not listening to her? Yes, but not angry. Maybe that's why she didn't snap at him for showing up unexpectedly. Maybe that's why she was so welcoming towards his presence. "_All_ of you, go do something productive." She commanded her audience.

"Wait-" Kaidan's voice was low, but loud enough for her ears to hear.

"Meet me in my room…" Shepard turned to mouth at him. She examined him from his shoes, all the way up to his face, stopping to admire certain _areas_ of his anatomy. Biting her lower lip, she closed her eyes and resumed her trip of a few steps to the med bay.

Kaidan couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her examination of approval. He was confident enough they could make this work.

Shepard hesitantly took a seat on one of the medical beds after being weighed, she was slightly glad she didn't have to be with Kaidan at the moment; she needed some time to think. Hearing the slight clanking metal noises of Dr. Chakwas setting down a couple of medical tools, she felt inclined to look up to where the older woman was. Dr. Chakwas had a huge grin on her face. Once the older woman began to approach her with a cotton ball drenched in alcohol, Shepard grunted.

"Don't start." Shepard growled. This made the doctor laugh. She wasn't referring to the disinfecting of her arm, but the fact that Kaidan was outside and a good portion of her crew had watched him touch her in a way no one had before in front of them.

"I was just wondering if he spent the night with you or something." The older woman dared to let out. Shepard didn't move to give the woman a nasty reaction because she had a needle withdrawing blood from inside her arm already.

"Dr. Chakwas, how the hell could you think that?" Shepard reprimanded. "Besides, do you think he would look like that?" She irritatingly lifted her free arm and made a motion towards the window.

Dr. Chakwas looked to where Shepard had pointed and was met with the image of Kaidan leaning on the small kitchen counter, dressed semi-casual, talking to a few of the crew members that were incapacitated a few minutes ago.

"No, I suppose not. He would look a slight bit ragged. You know, like when he would come out of your room on the old Normandy?" Chakwas smiled.

"I don't want to hear that!" Shepard spoke loudly in hopes of draining out the voice of the other woman, heat rushing to her cheeks.

"You two didn't do a superb job at-"

"I'm done here!" Shepard raised her arm, which now had a nice sticky bandage on the small incision in her arm.

"No, you're not." Chakwas pulled her by the arm and led her to the bed once more as soon as she got up. Thankfully, Shepard agreed to have strongly weaved curtains installed around each of the beds. Check-ups required an amount of privacy these windows completely failed to capture. But even behind the curtain, Shepard felt embarrassed. Let the womanly examinations begin.

Kaidan couldn't hear what was going on, but for the most part, he could see Dr. Chakwas giving Shepard a basic physical, though what was happening behind the curtain was beyond his thinking capability at the moment. He was distracted by the members of her crew that had the courage to speak to him after his little so called 'romantic' reunion with Shepard. He didn't think it was romantic, but then again, he didn't think it was friend-like either.

"You know, she was really upset after what you told her back on Horizon." A red-headed female spoke. What was her name? Kelly? Kaidan couldn't remember half of the ones that introduced themselves due to his constant staring at Shepard in the med bay.

"You don't say…" Kaidan sarcastically spoke. He didn't need to be reminded. He knew exactly why he was here.

"Yeah. She told me she missed you. She really did look upset, I couldn't tell if she was crying, but her face was kind of red-" Kelly placed a finger on her cheek and tilted her head before Kaidan interrupted her.

"I know." He spoke a little too strong for his liking. He watched her scoot a little closer to him and cover her mouth to whisper something in his ear.

"Rumor has it..." She looked around the room, where subordinates were working on some things here and there before going back to his ear. "She has a picture of you somewhere in her room." She smiled at him.

"Really?" He couldn't help himself. After all the crap he had given her, Shepard still had a picture of him. Kelly withdrew herself from him, smiling, and nodded excitedly. Kaidan let a small laugh escape his lips while looking at her smiling face.

"I'm going to go…" She said as she eyed the room. With the way she extended the last word, Kaidan was suspicious she was probably going to go gossip with someone on the ship. "Nice to meet you." Her cheerful voice almost brightened the room.

"Pleasure is all mine." He said as he watched her almost run out of the mess.

After hearing the elevator door close, he heard the door to the medical bay hiss open. "Return to me, alright Commander?" Dr. Chakwas voice was a little stern as she crossed her arms. She was met with a grunt from her younger woman.

"Urine test?" Kaidan asked the woman who was now walking towards him.

"Shut it!" Shepard yelled from where she was. She was out of sight, but apparently not quite at her destination.

"Correct, Staff Commander." Chakwas joined him by leaning on the counter. "She's been avoiding her check-up for a little while now. I don't know why." Chakwas smoothed her uniform.

"You can just call me Kaidan, Dr. Chakwas. I am on shoreleave…" He turned to face her. It was a little odd though, being a rank higher than Shepard. He supposed if she was still in the Alliance, he could command _her_.

"Alright, Kaidan." Her voice sounded tired. At that moment, Shepard came back with a small container she was covering with both hands. She made a signal to Chakwas with her head towards the med bay.

"Hurry up! This is embarrassing enough as it is." She growled at the older woman.

"Relax. It's going to take me some time to analyze everything. You're free to go." Chakwas made her way to Shepard and gently took the small container out of her hands.

"Does it matter that I have a hangover?" She tried hiding the container with one hand but was swatted away by Chakwas.

"No, I know how to work my way around it if you still have any alcohol in your system. We aren't in the 21st century, you know." Chakwas turned to look at Kaidan, and nodded her farewell.

"You're supposed to be on shoreleave, Chakwas." Shepard reminded the woman.

"You're still my business, Commander." And with that, Chakwas closed the door to the med bay and began to work.

Shapard noticed the amount of "good doers" that were pretending to fix something at the mess. "You guys are on shoreleave too. Go do something else." She irritatingly spoke. This attention that she was getting due to Kaidan was not sitting well with her. "And _you_." She walked up to Kaidan with a pointed finger. "You were supposed to be in my room, not staring at me in there!" She roughly whispered to him.

With his hands up, like he had been caught doing something bad, Kaidan laughed. "I didn't know where it was." He tried to defend.

"No, you found you way up _here_, you could have found that too." She nudged him with her elbow.

"Alright, guilty." He nudged her back and shoved her in front of him.

"What do you think you're doing?" She looked ready to shove the air out of him.

"Lead the way, Commander Shepard." He crossed his arms across his chest and smirked.

Snarling at him, she marched her way around to the elevator and waited for him. After he was in the elevator with her, she pressed the floor button her room was in. It was nice she had a whole area to herself.

Feeling a little uncomfortable with his eyes on her, Shepard quickly exited the elevator once it had opened its doors.

"You wanted to talk?" Shepard asked sternly as she walked into her room and turned around to face him once she had descended the few steps she had leading to her bed and living area, leaning against the wall where her drawers were.

"I did." He said as he looked at her, overjoyed that she wasn't yelling at him. He walked to her and wrapped his arms around her. His hug wasn't as soft as it was down at the mess. This one was bigger and tighter, like he was afraid she might vanish and he needed to hold all of her.

Not expecting the hug, Shepard slowly wrapped her arms across his back, still understanding the pain he had gone through. The entire situation had been harsh for them, but she knew if they worked at it, they might actually get somewhere. She felt his grasp tighten a little more and his wide hand clench her crew shirt in the back, almost making it difficult for her to breathe.

She knew it had to be hard for him. Hell, she knew if it were her in his position, she'd probably be crying. She couldn't imagine what she'd do if she lost him. Losing her family and friends was hard enough, but losing the man that she loved and wanted to spend the rest of the life that was given to her with him was another category of hurt. She knew he was sorry. He came for _her_. He came for her and wasn't angry with her, but understanding. He came to apologize, not to make war.

"It's all right, Kaidan." Her voice was smooth and low. They stood there for what seemed like an eternity, until she felt him shake against her. His body sank onto hers as she heard him breathe raggedly on her neck. He _was_ crying. She closed her eyes and wondered what his response was when he was told she didn't make it two years ago.

"I'm sorry, Shepard." His tone was low and guilty. "I'm so sorry." He repeated. The thickness in his voice, which was full of sadness and hurt, was too hard to miss. "I shouldn't have said those things… I was angry and-"

"Kaidan, it's all right…" She tried to reassure him again. She had never seen him so emotional. Not since Ashley's death. She slowly pried him off of her and placed her hands on his shoulders, looking into his now red eyes that threatened to release more tears.

"Please forgive me." His arms snaked around her waist and pulled her to him, her hands still on his shoulders.

"Kaidan, don't you think you've already been forgiven?" She replied, giving his shoulders a light squeeze and shy smile.

At her response, Kaidan's stomach jumped about a dozen times in joy. He lowered his face unto hers, their noses touching. He smiled and pressed his lips against hers, wanting to taste forgiveness in her. Giving into the kiss, she let her hands push his head onto hers, deepening the kiss. Breaking the bond of lips a few times to breathe, they let each other explore what they had been missing. Shepard heard a low primitive growl come from Kaidan, knowing what was happening to him. He let his hands lower to her waist and caressed her, every so often squeezing her, making sure she was real.

It had been so long since either of them had any sort of release, and this was a good way to start. Kaidan finally broke the kiss to resume his embrace, the taste of her still in his mouth. Shepard turned their positions around and led him to the bed. She pushed him down onto the soft therapeutic mattress and laid next to him, placing her hand on his stomach.

"How come?" Shepard asked, hoping not to ruin the moment, but needing to know.

"How come what?" Kaidan asked kicking his shoes off with his feet.

"How come you came to apologize?" She let his feet kick her own shoes off and curled them up after.

"There are many more, but, I was given proof that you were telling the truth…" He raised his arm so she could rest her head on his chest. She inhaled his smell and it made her tingle inside. She couldn't believe she could still remember it from the night they spend together over two years ago. It was mixed between whatever deodorant he used, and his own scent. She felt so good being this close to him.

"What do you mean?" She asked. Her hand now lifted his shirt to expose his abdomen so she could place her hand a little closer to him.

"The La-" He began but was quickly interrupted by Shepard.

She suddenly moved to sit up on the bed and focus her attention on a random spot on her couch. "-zarus Project. Miranda helped you… She's the only one with full access to the files on this ship." Now it made sense how Miranda would examine her and ask if she was okay. Why Miranda had asked if she could do anything for her to make her feel better.

Shepard hugged her body and closed her eyes. She now understood all the care and precaution the other woman took. _'I didn't tell her anything, so she took it into her own hands'_. She felt her stomach tighten and her eyes water a bit. Why did Miranda have to prance around being a bitch and then do something like this?

Kaidan sat up with her and wrapped his arms around her. "We should both go and say thank you, don't you think?" He buried his face in the crook of her neck, almost kissing it, hugged her and pulled them back down on the mattress. Somewhere along the small cries that belonged to Shepard, they both fell asleep.

Kaidan was the first to wake up. He let his eyes slowly adjust to the dimly lit room, most of the light coming from the fish tank. He felt at peace with himself and with Shepard. They hadn't done any of the talking that he expected, but it had worked out just as well, he thought. Shepard was on his chest, arms sprawled on him, and a leg on top of his.

As he examined the room, he heard slight moans coming from her. He tried not to laugh and resumed his examination. She had a nice set up here. She had a more private desk next to her bed and some nice looking couches for her small living area. She had her work designated area on the other side of the couch. It was divided by that wall that displayed ship models. Kaidan suddenly wanted to see up close.

He didn't want to leave Shepard's side, until he figured out what had woken him up in the first place. A message in Shepard's private terminal. It had beeped again, a signal that she had received yet another message.

Figuring it was something important, he carefully wriggled himself out of Shepard's possessive grasp, feeling the damp spot on his shirt where she had shed some tears. He noticed she wriggled around until she found a more comfortable position on her stomach. He wondered how long it had been since she had a good night's sleep. He knew his actions probably didn't help her ever achieve a nice nap either.

He slowly made his way around to where her terminal was and saw _it_…

Kelly was right. There it was, right next to where her terminal was… A picture of him. He had to say, it wasn't the best shot of him, but he figured it was good enough, Shepard had chosen it afterall.

He picked up the frame and examined it. It was digital, but he couldn't help noticed the sheer amount of finger prints the screen had. The prints were all over the corners and sides, and even some on his face. He even saw what looked like a print from a certain pair of lips on his own in the image, but didn't want to push his luck. He smiled. He could imagine how many times Shepard had picked this frame up just to look at him or think about him.

He set the image down and sat down on her seat. He examined her study area a little more before he opened her terminal. She had a few junk messages and one from Miranda. Just before he was about to open it, he heard a squeak. He looked up from his area, thinking it was odd. That definitely couldn't have come from the grown woman whom was fast asleep on her bed.

Once he focused enough to almost open the message, he heard it again. A tiny squeak, and this time he deciphered it enough to conclude it came from behind him. Once he turned around, he looked up at what was a cage.

He stood up and looked into it. It was a slightly chubby hamster pressing his face into the glass of his cage. He pressed his finger to where the hamster was and chuckled a bit when it pressed against it. Figuring that the little guy wanted some attention he opened the cage and picked the little rodent up.

Surprisingly, he was friendly. The little guy was wriggling in his hand until Kaidan set him on his open palm. He smelled like a tiny rodent all right. The little pet examined all his fingers before looking up at him.

"I wonder what your name is?" He carefully looked at the little bundle of fur. He looked at his cage and couldn't see any sort of name tag on it, but he did find a small bag behind his cage that contained little treats for hamsters. He noticed the little hamster excitedly walk around on his palm.

Kaidan laughed. That must have been what he wanted: treats. Before Kaidan could open it, he noticed that on the top of the bag it said 'Comet'. He smiled. Comet must have been the little guy's name. He opened it and took out a few colorful pellets and gave them to the little rascal. That must have been why Comet was overweight. He ate more than he exercised.

After Comet finished eating the treats out of his hands, Kaidan put the little dude back in his cage, leaning too far back to the right, causing the door to Shepard's bathroom open. He hadn't even noticed the door. A little startled, he walked in and happily washed his hands. Shepard's soap smelled like an Earth flower, but he couldn't tell which one.

He felt like he was relearning certain things about Shepard, even though her room seemed so much like her.

Deciding against waking her up, Kaidan left the room to explore the ship, maybe find Joker, Garrus or Tali. Even Miranda, he needed to thank her again.

* * *

><p><em><strong>There's chapter three! How was it? I've been wanting to increase the length of them for you guys. I know how desperate we avid readers get for an update and then the recent chapter is short. I know many of us writer's can't help it sometimes, and I will try my best to give you lengthy chapters.<strong>_

_**(Once again. Thank you to: kat013, Papilionoidea, olivep140, Arieadil, Hawke98, Ninjapocalypse2, Katie, and Ichigo Muse. You guys are great!)**_

_**With that said, please let me know your opinion!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hello there again, everyone! I wanted to thank everyone that has supported this story by reviewing and adding it to favorites. It really keeps me going when I get reviews. Also, I just learned that I can reply to the reviewers. That's great (even though I'm late in noticing)! I've been a member of this site for a long time and seeing them improve like this excites me.**_

_**Anyway, here is a long chapter for you guys! My treat to you all for being wonderful!**_

* * *

><p>Shepard stirred in her bed uncomfortably, feeling a little cold, though the headache from her hangover gone. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at the clock she had next to her bed. She was surprised to see it had only touched noon. She felt like she had done so much already compared to her last few weeks roaming planets and finding nothing.<p>

Immediately, she sat up. "Kaidan?" She asked an empty room, silent room. She pushed herself off the bed and put her shoes on, noticing Kaidan's were gone. Her heart sank a little. Walking to her private terminal out of habit, she noticed she had unread messages. Quickly deleting the spam and reading Miranda's message about how her results for her check up were coming in fine so far, she left her room in search of the man that had filled her heart a few hours ago, but not before feeding her fish and giving her little hamster a few treats too. She bet he was hungry.

Going down to the mess, she was met with the slight chatter of some of the crew that was on board. She wasn't surprised the other half of them probably went out again. She only hoped they were doing something productive. Passing by the mess, she saw Garrus stepping out of his usual work place with Miranda and Kaidan. Feeling extremely happy that Kaidan was still there, she began walking towards them.

But no one could have predicted what happened next…

Shepard marched towards the mentioned woman in the group and gave her a hug. She knew it was slightly off for both of them to be so intimate with each other given their past history of disagreement, but Shepard didn't know how else to thank her besides just saying it.

"Commander?" Miranda quirked an eyebrow and patted the woman on the back. She was just as confused as the turian next to her.

"Thank you, Miranda." Shepard awkwardly let out as she broke the hug. Miranda's hand that had been on Shepard's arm, gave her a slight squeeze and smirked, continuing to make her way back into her office.

"Should I keep my mouth shut about this too, or…?" Garrus laughed referring to his encounter with her in her private quarters. Shepard narrowed her eyes at him for even mentioning the situation.

"Don't even begin, Garrus." She warned.

"I'll go help Tali or something…" He replied as he walked in between the two humans and made his way downstairs.

"Quite a ship you have here, Shepard." Kaidan complimented.

"Have you met everyone yet?" She asked, curiously, leaning on the railing.

"I haven't met those that are out, which included Jack? I think it that's who Joker warned me about…" Kaidan trailed off. She wondered if he had met Legion yet.

Shepard continued listening to his encounter and conversations with the rest of the crew that was on board. It was nice to see him talking, like everything between them was back to the way things were, except they weren't. She felt they stood in better terms, but, she didn't know if that was the case for him. She led them to the kitchen and pulled out some soup from the fridge, made by Gardner, whom left a note about his leave for the day. She rummaged through the kitchen and found a pot deep enough to hold soup for the both of them.

"I noticed you had a kitchen…" He commented as he passed her a soup spoon that was near him so she could stir the soup that was currently heating up. "Tell me, does your chef cook well enough to satisfy a biotic?" He laughed as he crossed his arms across his chest.

"You bet he does." Shepard commented as she dipped the tip of her finger in the pot and licked it. The soup was still too cold for comfortable consumption, but she had to do it anyway. "God knows he puts up with my eating habits well."

She raised her finger once more to dip in the soup, but Kaidan stopped her. "What are you doing?" He laughed. "Wait for it." He scolded.

Shepard backed away from the stove and opened up the pantry to grab a bag of sweet snacks she had bought just the day before. It was some sort cream filled pastry, and it tasted amazing. Stuffing her face, she offered some to Kaidan. He kindly declined, sweets with squid gumbo? No thanks.

Shepard hadn't eaten breakfast with the crew that was present that morning. Chakwas told her she needed to fast for at least 8 hours in order to draw blood, since that was current technology's limit. It had been a while since her last meal. While she put the rest of the sweets back in the pantry, she licked the cream off her fingers, and made some sort of noise of delight.

Noticing she had a bit of cream at the corner of her mouth, a smiling Kaidan raised his hand to wipe it off. His fingers rubbed against her lip first before removing the custard from her mouth. Enjoying how soft her lips were, he let the knuckle of his index finger rub her lips once more, looking at them.

"I've missed you…" He said to her, in a low husky voice. His eyes stared at her lips. He couldn't remember the last time he got to look at them close enough to see how smooth they were. He wondered if everything else about her was the same; would she have that scar on her back from Mindoir? And the ones from their previous journey? How about the one _he_ only knew about? The smooth white scar on her upper thigh from an accident she had as a teenager. That one was personal. He felt honored to have her tell him about her past, about her scars, she figured they would never go away, and were part of who she was now. Kaidan only hoped they were still there.

She looked at him and smiled a bit. Walking over to the stove to stir the soup, she concluded that by now it was hot enough for the both of them to eat so she turned it off and moved it to an unused burner.

"I don't even know where the bowls are…" She sighed as she searched for the bowls all over the kitchen. Kaidan let himself quickly lick the slight sweetness on his finger that had previously been on Shepard's lip and began searching with her.

After being successful, she poured some of the delicious smelling gumbo into her bowl. She made a mental note to thank the man for still making food for everyone even though he was on shore leave. Shepard took her bowl and carefully made her way to a seat in the mess. Even before Kaidan sat down in front of her, she began eating away. Kaidan awkwardly poured some into his, assuming the second bowl was for him, though she never said anything.

"You know, we could have gone out to eat…" He carefully placed his hot bowl on the table and sat down. Letting his soup cool down, as he watched Shepard eat hers.

"And miss this? No. You don't know how fast food goes here, especially with a bunch of biotics." She said, raising another spoon full to her mouth. She didn't think that the full weight of Kaidan being here had hit her yet. And she was afraid of what she might do when it did. Pushing the thought from her mind, she quickly slammed her palm on the table, next to her bowl.

Shepard's loud exclamation startled Kaidan. "Oh yeah, Gardner has some sort of bread he gives the crew with this. I don't eat it with this in particular, but you can have some if you'd like." She said, her mouth half full.

Feeling like he was intruding, Kaidan declined her offer. He knew the soup itself wouldn't fill him up enough to last him until whenever his next mealtime would be, but he didn't mind. What he did mind was the fact that a minute ago, Shepard was completely comfortable with him, and now, it's like they had just met for the first time.

"Shepard, are you comfortable with me being here?" He asked her. His hands hand made it around the bowl, fidgeting with the edges of it. He looked down into his gumbo, not wanting to see her face.

"I-" Shepard started, her spoon full half way to her mouth. Truth be told, she wasn't completely comfortable. She didn't know if she would say or do the wrong thing that would drive him out of the ship. She didn't want another Horizon, but what could she say to him now that he asked such a question? She placed her spoon back into the bowl and looked at him.

Noticing he was avoiding eye contact with her, she slowly brought her hand to reach his chin from across the wide table and raised his head to face her, his brown eyes now staring into hers. "Give me some time, Kaidan. It's not that I don't want you here…" She said as she dared to let her hand cup his cheek. "I need to… get used to you here." She finished.

"Understood, ma'am." He sighed. He wanted to hug her and never let her go. Maybe, if they went up to her room again, that's what he'd do.

"Cut that out." She scolded. He laughed at her tone of voice and proceeded to eat his soup. "You know how I felt-_feel_ about that." She quickly corrected herself. After a few chat's with him on the first Normandy, she told him that unless they were working on a mission or something of the sort, he could drop the 'yes ma'am' 'no ma'am' gimmick. After the night before Ilos, he did.

"You know, I'm actually the one with higher commander here, Shepard." He swiftly spooned a good amount of soup into his mouth, to avoid saying anything else. He had to give this chef of Shepard kudos, the soup was amazing.

"We're both on shore leave, so it doesn't matter." She rolled her eyes as she picked up her bowl and stood up to get some more. After completing her task and sitting back down, Kaidan smirked at her.

"But once we're not… You're going to have to take orders from me." He joked. Shepard eyed him with squinted eyes, almost like she needed glasses.

"You crack me up, Alenko." She said in a completely monotonous voice.

After Shepard realized she couldn't eat anymore and Kaidan finished the rest, they both went to the CIC. Shepard didn't really know what to do on her shore leave. She didn't know if she would go out and find herself a spa that wouldn't recognize her and relax, or watch some movies in her room, or… what did people do for fun?

"What were your plans before you decided to make yourself acquainted with my XO?" She lamely said as she leaned on the wall next to the elevator. She blew a few strands of hair out of her face.

"I don't know. To relax, really." He said as he walked over to examine more parts of her ship. "I'm tired of the Alliance walking around blind. They have to accept the truth one way or another… My crew has been through so many pointless geth runs and they deserve better." He said as he made his way back to her.

Shepard scoffed. Typical Alliance. "That's not why I joined…" She said a little above a whisper.

Ignoring that she wasn't an Alliance soldier anymore, he placed a hand on the wall next to her head and faced her, looking into her eyes. "It's not why I joined either, and you know that." He ran his free hand through his hair, closing his eyes in the process.

Shepard examined the slight wrinkles he had developed around the corners of his eyes and on his forehead. They were both getting old. She raised her eyebrows to mock a surprised face and touched the wrinkles that formed there for her. She knew she had them, just never really bothered her until that moment. She knew her teammates and she had accomplished so many things together, but the galaxy was mainly turning their heads the other way. Shepard had no one to carry her legacy except her friends. She had no family to return to during shore leave or to message every once in a while, like Ashley. Shepard was getting old, and the thought of disappearing without even a major thank you for what she had done bothered her. It's what happened when she died two years ago.

"Kaidan?" Shepard said as she let her finger slide down from his chest to where his belt was.

"Yes?" He replied as he opened his eyes to look down at where her finger was now curling into his pants.

"Do you have any family…?" She asked. She knew it was a dumb question. Of course he had a full family. He had told her himself more than two years ago.

Kaidan didn't laugh at the silliness of her question. He never did when it came to her not having any family. "Yeah, they live on Earth, in Vancouver. I just don't go to visit them often." He said, trying to figure out the expression on her face. She began to bite her lip and narrow her eyebrows, as if upset. "I'm sorry, Shepard." He quickly added, not wanting to seem like he was rubbing his family in her face.

"Sorry for what?" She asked and then quickly realized why he had apologized. "Oh, no, Kaidan. I'm already over that…" She waved him off with a hand. "I was sixteen. What am I, thirty-two? I should be over it by now." She pushed herself off the wall and walked a few steps forward, crossing her arms and looking down at the floor. She noticed she had added two years to her age, the two years she spent dead and in a coma.

There was a long pause before either of them spoke. "Would you like to see them?" He offered and immediately kicked himself in the rear. Offer to show off your family to the person whose family was brutally murdered. Before he could apologize Shepard turned around, a soft expression on her face. "Sure."

Kaidan's eyebrow raised in total surprise. He didn't really know what this meant. In what way would she like to see them? A picture of them he had? Video chat with them? _Visit_ them? He wasn't even sure what to introduce her to them as. She wasn't his lover anymore, or at least yet. He figured 'Commander Shepard' would suffice. He almost laughed at his lover thought. What would Shepard say if she knew he still had feeling for her that involved physical intimacy? He figured she still had to have them as well. Being revived and still thinking they were an item had to have meant something.

"You should call them." She interrupted his thoughts as she let a sad smile take over her face. "They'd appreciate it." She walked over to her more public terminal in the CIC and turned it on. Kaidan swiftly walked to her side and pressed his fingers over hers, turning the terminal off. "What are you doing?"

"Not here." He smirked at her seeing as that's what she had told him earlier that day.

"My room?" She offered, looking down at his hand over hers. At this, they both heard a whistle come from somewhere in the pilot's area. _'Joker'_. They both thought. Convenient that he listened in when their conversation could be interpreted sexually.

"My apartment." He whispered into her ear, preventing Joker from hearing whether he was spying or not.

"Are you sure?" She whispered back to him. He gave her a small nod.

After deciding to head to Kaidan's apartment, Shepard made her way to her room. Quickly changing into some of her new clothes, she looked at herself. She wore a nice pair of dark jeans that hugged her curves, a grey halter neck top, and the same boots she wore the day before. And those undergarments she bought were pretty comfortable. She contemplated exiting the ship in her crew's uniform but realized that Kaidan's crew probably would know exactly who she was if she did, and she didn't want to cause a scene.

She brushed her hair in an orderly manner, since her nap left some chunks of her hair in odd directions. She inhaled the cool air of her room, hoping it would relax her. Once more, it felt odd that Kaidan was there, with her, _for_ her. His angry demeanor from Horizon nonexistent. He was back to the Kaidan she knew, the Kaidan she fell in love with.

Boarding the elevator to the CIC unit, she brought up her omni-tool and messaged her crew about her departure. She didn't tell them where she was going, she just told them to alert her if they needed anything or if there was an emergency. If her destination was enclosed, who knows how long the rumors would last. Kaidan did enough to last a month or two that morning.

Walking out of the elevator, she heard Kaidan's voice accompanied by Joker's. She brought herself to the where Joker sat, earning some stares of the very few people that were still on board.

"Looking good, Commander." Joker gave her two thumbs up, his seat facing her and Kaidan.

"I'll be back." She said as she flashed her omni-tool once more, making sure the message was sent.

"Jeez, Commander, you're starting to sound like a movie character from over two centuries ago." Joker whined as he let EDI turn his seat around.

They departed the ship and once they were far enough from the ship, Kaidan didn't miss a beat. He continued to talk about his experience with her crew.

"You know, I don't think I would have ever imagined your crew as it is…" He began as he led her to where he was currently residing. "I get that Tali and Garrus are there… but a geth?" Kaidan's voice sounded amused as he raised his hand in exasperation. "You even have a Justicar there. One of my subordinates just loves them. She calls them asari knights or something like that." He chuckled a bit as they turned a corner. They were headed to the more suburban area of the Citadel, it was quieter than the usual hustle.

Shepard keenly followed Kaidan, never leaving his side. She had received some looks her way and was beginning to worry. "And Dr. Solus was great! He's brilliant, although he talks a little too much." He added as another laugh escaped his lips.

"You haven't met Thane yet…" She added as she reached for his arm that was now in his pocket. Kaidan stopped walking and looked at her, wondering if she was comfortable holding him that way. "Just hurry, people are starting to look. If they see me as a regular girl fawning over her boyfriend, it'll reduce suspicion." She sighed.

He gave her a big smile and began to walk again, this time, into a fairly large apartment complex. "Who's Thane?" Kaidan asked.

"He's another one of my teammates. He's a drell. Should be somewhere in C-sec with his son." Holding Kaidan's arm wasn't as nerve wrecking as she thought. He his bare arm was extremely warm and feeling the small hair's that covered it felt like a privilege she was blessed with having. How many other people have held his arm that way before? The thought of the Citadel doctor crossed her mind, but Shepard mentally kicked her out.

"Really?" Kaidan's smiling face met hers. "Best crew I've ever heard of." He complimented.

"I only go for the best." Shepard joked, though she did in fact believe her crew was the best.

"Alright, we're here. I have to warn you though, my mother is probably going to spend an hour talking." He stopped in front of a door and waved his omni-tool to unlock it. Shepard took notice that the area was very nice. Right in front of Kaidan's apartment was a nice fountain and several seats for people to enjoy the view.

Shepard was greeted with a slight musky smell that belonged to Kaidan. Inhaling a little too loudly when she walked in, Kaidan turned to look at her and smiled at himself. They felt like a new couple. Like many of those youngsters she would always see running around the Citadel clinging onto each other for lack of anything better to do. She let go of his arm, not wanting to be part of the couples she would mentally ridicule.

Everything was neat and tidy in Kaidan's apartment. He either did a good job taking care of it, or he hadn't been there long enough to make a mess out of it, Shepard figured. "Come here." He motioned for her with his hand to sit on a nice comfortable seat in front of the small glass dining table he was provided. "I'll go get my terminal." He said as he disappeared into what Shepard figured was his bedroom.

She looked around and felt comfortable. His apartment seemed very private and she liked that. Going out on the Citadel always involved her getting her face posted in some advertisement. She sat on the seat Kaidan pointed out and rubbed her arm. How long had it been since she had a day like this with Kaidan? Ashley would say it was the work of God, bringing them back together.

Thinking about Horizon hurt less when the man responsible for the pain was currently trying to make up for it.

"I'm not so sure what they'd be doing right now since it's a little late for them." Kaidan spoke as he placed his terminal on the table and took a seat in front of it, next to Shepard.

Once Shepard realized the time difference, she grunted. It was meant to be a small, inaudible noise, but Kaidan heard it nonetheless. "I don't want to disturb them…" She began.

"Don't worry about it. If anything my brother will get it." He turned his terminal on and instantly began looking for his home phone. Shepard didn't know he had a brother.

Shepard grabbed his wrist and pulled it towards her. "No, don't. It'll be rude." She looked at Kaidan and immediately her eyes pretended to look at something else.

"Shepard, I haven't called them in who knows how long. They'll definitely want to answer this call." He laughed and pried his wrist out of her strong hold and pressed the video chat button. The orange screen flashed a brighter shade and returned to its normal hue.

"Pretend I'm not here." Shepard added as she scooted her seat away from his, making sure her figure wouldn't come out in the video call. She wanted to see how he interacted with his family. She wanted to learn that much more about him, about the man she had missed for so long. She didn't know how she would interact with her parents if they were still alive and wanted to see someone who was somewhat normal, interact with his parents. She could imagine what calling her parents right now would be like, but having Kaidan call his was the closest she would get, and she didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Those that have parents don't appreciate them as much as they should, and those that don't have them, ever get the chance to appreciate them.

"Shepard, what was the point in you coming here then?" He asked her, confused. Shepard said nothing and smiled at him. "Stop that." He said as he quickly scooted his seat and the terminal closer to her. She responded by moving over some more. Kaidan knew he was running out of time, the call had already rung few times. "Get over here!" He frustratingly said as he gave her an irritating look.

"_Kaidan? Is that really you?"_ An older female's voice prompted them out of their thoughts. Kaidan instantly gave his mother his full attention. From what Shepard could tell, she was quite an attractive older woman. She had long dark hair and was wearing a nightgown with a matching robe over it, her dark eyes slightly red.

"Hey, Mom." He smiled at her. Shepard's heart instantly skipped a beat. _That_ smile. That genuine smile he had only ever shared with her before. Ilos instantly came back to mind; that instant that he shared that smile with her. They had just finished making love when he smiled at her like that. Kaidan knew how to work his way around her with that smile back then, constantly teasing her with his presence and smile.

"_Oh, darling! It's so good to see you!"_ The woman brought her hands to her face, small tears evidently running down her pale cheeks; her voice bringing Shepard back from her thoughts.

"It's good to see you too, Mom. How have you been?" Kaidan's face softened as he let his smile get the best of him.

"_We've been great, honey. But we'd be better if you were here with us. How are you? Have you been eating well?"_ She quickly added as she wiped her tears away. There was some noise in the background of the chat and a male's voice was quickly heard.

"_Hell, is that Kaidan?"_ The voice was young and sounded tired. As his mother turned to look at the figure near her, Kaidan quickly glanced over at her and motioned for her to come near him. _"My god, you've gotten old."_ The male had now pushed Kaidan's mom out of the way with a few complaints from her. _"What have you been up to?" _He asked as he smiled.

Shepard assumed that was his brother. They didn't really look alike, he looked more like their mother, she concluded. He looked younger, with a body slightly less built than that of Kaidan's. He was wearing a tank top and long pajama pants "Hey, David." Kaidan rolled his eyes at his brother for pushing their mom off the seat, though she stood behind him now, covering her body with the night robe.

"_What have you been doing that you haven't called us in a while?" _David arched his eyebrows up and down, being suggestive.

"David, cut it out. You know I was promoted, I have more work to do now." He eyed Shepard, looking at the curve of her belly as she sat. Shepard watched him intently.

"_Honey, have you been stressing yourself out?" _Their mother asked as she took this opportunity to push David out of the seat.

A complaint was heard as David recomposed himself. "I'm a marine Mom, I'm usually always stressed out here. Especially since I've been docked at the Citadel until further notice." Kaidan sighed.

"_You should get a girl out there, and have some fun. I hear asari are hot."_ David's voice could be heard from the side.

"I'm surprised your wife puts up with you." Kaidan said to his brother with some sort of disapproval in his tone.

Shepard twitched in her seat.

"_She's pregnant by the way."_ David added as he flashed a thumbs up in front of his mother's face.

"Well, congratulations to you two. When is she due?" Kaidan's eyebrows rose in surprise to reveal his forehead wrinkles. The very same ones Shepard was staring at not too long ago. Kaidan eyed her again.

"_September. See what you miss when you don't call? Next time, I expect a visit."_ David scoffed. Their mother sat with a calm expression on her face.

"_You really should. Please? We really miss you."_ Kaidan's mom nodded her head kindly.

"I'll see to it." He responded, demeanor changing. "Where's Dad?" Kaidan's mom's face lowered and she stayed silent.

"_He's still at work, believe it or not. He's been doing that a little too often for my liking."_ David added, his shoulder visible through the cam.

"Expected of him." Kaidan sighed, eyeing Shepard once again. "Mom, I promise, the next time I get a chance, I'll go there to see you." He softly spoke as his mother's head rose with a sad smile. David was heard grumbling something about coming for him too.

"_Thank you, Kaidan."_ She smiled, clutching her robe tighter against her slim body. Shepard thought her smile was gorgeous. If Shepard could choose how well she could age, it would be like Kaidan's mom.

"_You can't tell us about anything you do?"_ David perked up next to the camera.

"No, Dave. It's all classified." Kaidan sighed. At this, Shepard raised her hand to place it on his lap under the table to squeeze his thigh in empathy. She knew it must have been hard for both of them to have him hide certain things from them like that.

"_Well, you sure are making Dad proud."_ David slightly snickered.

"_Hey, stop it."_ Kaidan's mom perked up. _"Kaidan, how is everything there?"_ She asked.

Kaidan knew she was referring to the Citadel. Though Shepard's victory was downplayed, they still knew what she had done for the galaxy and knew he was a part of it too. "It's a lot quieter since C-sec has some tight security measures. I want to say it's improving, but I'd be lying though my teeth." Kaidan lowered his hand to place itself on top of Shepard's. "How is everything there? I want to hear about some actual progress."

"_Shuttle services are getting so much better here!"_ Kaidan's mom chirped, she lowered herself and some paper shuffling noises could be heard. Kaidan's face scrunched up a little. Leave it to his mom to not carry a basic omni-tool to have what she brought up in it. She opened up a pamphlet with the Vancouver Shuttle Services logo on it. Kaidan couldn't read anything on it due to the font size and her unsteady hands, but he tried anyway.

"_This is the schedule. They run later now. Isn't that great?" _Her voice cracked a bit, it was obvious to everyone she was tired.

"_Yeah, Mom, for people who don't have their own vehicles." _David snatched the pamphlet out of her hand and placed it down next to the terminal.

"_And Marissa is going to have a boy!"_ She quickly changed the subject, referring to David's wife.

"Is that right?" Kaidan chuckled at his mother's excitement. "Dad must be so proud." Kaidan mocked his brother.

"_Damn right, he is."_ David spoke._ "He would have wrung my neck if I was going to mooch off of him and give him a granddaughter."_ He added.

"That house is too big for just Mom and him." Kaidan waved his free hand in front of his face, a way of reassuring his brother's place in the house.

"_You're not mooching off, dear."_ Kaidan's mom turned to look at her son. _"Your father and I love you very much."_ She emphasized the 'very' part.

"_That doesn't mean he won't kick Marissa and me out!" _He waved his hands to what Kaidan knew was the door.

"_He won't."_ She added and didn't give him enough time to reply. _"How is your love life, Kaidan?"_ She asked, sweetly.

Kaidan nervously laughed at her question and squeezed Shepard's hand. At her inquiry, Shepard raised an eyebrow. She was extremely interested in Kaidan's answer. Just how _was_ his love life?

"There aren't any children on the way, that's for sure." He tried to joke. Shepard withdrew her hand from his thigh and loudly placed it on the table, the echo in the glass clearly heard. That wasn't the answer she was expecting, and she didn't know why her stomach clenched up, but she knew it upset her. "Not soon, anyway." Kaidan eyed her, noticing discomfort.

"_Oh, so there __**is**__ someone? Is she part of your crew? You know, you can't have a relationship with your subordinates!"_ Kaidan's mother cried, her face worried now. _"You can get discharged!"_

Shepard and Kaidan both let out a sudden laugh. What a thing it was, falling in love with your subordinate. Shepard knew that feeling all too well. She placed her hands over her smiling face, hoping that it would stop further laughing. She remembered their worry of being caught back on the first Normandy, and how after their victory over the Citadel, they didn't care. They wouldn't openly eat each other up, but they knew they had build up so many idiosyncrasy credits, it didn't worry them when they stole glances in front of their crew.

"Trust me, Mom. It's not anyone in my crew." He said, still laughing.

"_She's there, isn't she?"_ Kaidan's mom narrowed her eyes and pointed at him. David's laughter could be heard from somewhere near her. Shepard froze.

"No, of course not." Kaidan said. Another laugh from David.

"_Kaidan, do you think I was born yesterday? You've been looking over the terminal countless times… and I heard her laugh."_ Kaidan's mom gave her son a nasty look through the terminal. _"Who is she, Kaidan?" _She asked once more, needing to know.

"Mom, I promise you, there's no one here." Kaidan couldn't help but look at the terrified look on Shepard's face. Shepard raised a hand to wave a no with her finger to Kaidan.

"_You can't like to me like that. I've always caught your lies. Let me meet her!"_ The older female's voice reached Shepard's ears.

"No!" Shepard whispered to Kaidan as he looked right at her, face turned, half smile hanging onto his face, no attempt to hide her presence anymore.

"I can't do that to her, Shepard." Kaidan accidentally let out and immediately closed his eyes in frustration. Shepard's mouth hung open.

"_**Shepard?**_" Kaidan's mom and brother immediately yelled into the terminal simultaneously.

"_What the hell, Kaidan? You failed to mention you're dating __**the**__ Commander Shepard?"_ David yelled, a mix of confusion and excitement. Kaidan's mother immediately shushed her son, hoping his yelling didn't wake up his wife. _"I'm offended you didn't share this with us."_

"_Is it really her?"_ Kaidan's mother asked with a hopeful face.

Kaidan opened his eyes to stare at Shepard. Her arms crossed oddly and her legs fidgeting with one another. She looked up to Kaidan and gave him a nasty glare.

"_Let me see her in person!"_ David requested. There was a long pause before David spoke again. _"On the other hand, if she's naked, I don't really want to see. Maybe."_ He added and right after was smacked by his mother and Kaidan's eyes rolling.

"_Please ignore that, Commander Shepard."_ Kaidan's mother raised her hand to push the creature she had help create out of the terminal's camera.

Shepard gave up and scooted her chair next to Kaidan's. Once she got there, she looked into the camera and waved. "Hey…" She awkwardly let out. Spy on the guy's family and act like nothing happened.

Kaidan's mother smiled and let out a noise that sounded like a squeal and a laugh. David stood up from where his mother had pushed him down. As soon as he saw Shepard, he saluted. _"Commander Shepard."_ He nodded.

Shepard smiled and saluted back.

"_It's so good to see you, regardless of the rumors and whatnot."_ Kaidan's mother hugged her body. _"Thank you for all that you've done for us, Commander. If there's anything we can do for you, you just let us know."_ She looked right at Shepard, which made the younger woman feel a little happy.

"I don't remember when the last thank you was. I appreciate it, Mrs. Alenko." Shepard said with a sad smile. It was good to know there were still people out there that appreciated her sacrifices. This made her fighting worthwhile. All those blows to her gut and shots to her person were worth it, if she just had a thank you every once in a while.

"_Please, it's just Emma."_

"Thank you, Emma, and… David." Shepard laughed as said David's name.

After a about an hour, just like Kaidan predicted, his mother and brother retired. They had spoken about just about anything that came to mind. Saying their goodbyes and more kind words, they ended the call.

Kaidan turned off his terminal and looked straight at Shepard, whom seemed concentrated in a spot on the table. "Shepard?" He spoke as he stood up from his seat and pushed it back in.

"Hm? Yeah?" She spoke as she looked at him.

"What do you think?" He laughed a bit. Shepard placed her arms on the table and held her hands together. Her head soon followed and made its way onto the cold glass. What could she say? That she was jealous of Kaidan's relationship with his family, even if it seemed like he didn't get along with his dad? That she wanted what he had. She was grateful that both of them showed compassion and kindness towards her, regardless of what she was to Kaidan right now. They seemed like great people she would like to wake up to everyday in hopes of having a normal life.

"You guys seem to get along so well." She finally spoke, voice muffled a bit.

"Too lame for you?" He walked around to her seat and placed a hand on her back, feeling her bra strap underneath the soft fabric.

"No… It's what I would have wanted if my family were still alive. I haven't seen your dad yet, though." She lifted her head and had a sad smile.

"To put it short, I'm the exact replica of my dad in looks. Exact opposite in personality." He began fidgeting with the clasp of her bra absentmindedly.

"It was a nice chat, although you blew my cover." She wriggled her bra strap out of his grasp. Kaidan immediately removed his hand from her back, hoping she didn't think he was trying to advance on her. "_I can't do that to her, Shepard_?" She stood from her seat and grunted. "Way to go, Staff Commander Alenko."

"I'm sorry!" He laughed. His initial reaction right after he said her name was to cuss, but he held it in. From what he could tell, their chat wasn't bad. Shepard seemed to appreciate his brother and mother, and he knew that they, of course, appreciated her and everything she had done for them.

Shepard made her way to the kitchen, Kaidan hot on her heels. "At least they didn't freak out." She pointed out. "Though I'm not so sure about your brother." Shepard opened the fridge and was disappointed to see it almost empty.

"Yeah. He's definitely going to tell his wife about how his little brother is 'dating _the_ Commander Shepard'." He leaned on the entrance wall of the kitchen.

Shepard slammed the fridge door shut. "Wait, you're his _little_ brother?" Her eyes widened in amusement, totally disregarding the fact that rumors may start if David opened his mouth.

"Yes, ma'am." He nodded. She was completely convinced that Kaidan was older. Just comes to show how stressed Kaidan had been his entire life. Even right now, you could see a slight five o'clock shadow resting on his face and the slight indentation of his crow's feet.

"And we're dating?" She asked. One day into Kaidan making it up to her, and they're dating? Shepard didn't really know how to respond to that. She genuinely believed Kaidan wanted to be forgiven, and she was more than happy to forgive him, but something in her wasn't ready to believe that they were in love like they had been over two years ago. There was something off.

"Well…" His eyes examined everything in the kitchen but the slender figure that was now making her way up to him. He didn't consider them dating, not even on the first Normandy. He just accepted that he had fallen in love with this amazing woman and hoped she shared those feelings about him.

She placed her arms around him, and hugged him. "I don't know if I'd call this dating. I think part of me doesn't even believe you're here." Shepard spoke into his chest.

"And it's okay… It's okay to feel that way…" Kaidan let his hand run through her hair and down to her back until her reached her lower back, feeling the two dimples she had there.

"But when will I come to accept it? When will I come to realize that you're here because you love me?" She spoke again, her voice with some urgency to it. She was desperate for something, anything he was willing to give or say to her.

"Whenever you're ready, Shepard." He let his thumb and index fingers place themselves in the two little dents and began to poke them. He let his face lower itself onto hers once she raised her head to look up to him, letting their breaths dance on each other's lips.

"I want that to be now, Kaidan. But I can't even begin to imagine what my life is going to be life after I have to leave again. I feel like this is only going to last until I, or you, leave." Kaidan felt her brush her lips against his.

He closed his eyes. He knew she was right. Soon enough, he would be called or she would leave. And nothing hurt more than knowing he might not be able to see her again for another few months, years … or at all.

Kaidan hugged her back, his body fully pressed against her own. "Don't think about that." He told her. "Think about us… Just like that night before-"

"Don't say it." She let out, loudly.

"Why not?" His thick eyebrows furrowed in frustration.

"Because it will never happen again, Kaidan. What we had then can never be established again. Too much has happened. You said it yourself." She felt his hands grab her top in the back and clench it, like he did earlier that day. His hands brought her closer to his body, making her scrunched up top reveal her abdomen and lower back.

Shepard knew she still loved Kaidan. She knew that if given the chance to settle down and have a life, she would immediately be like those girls clinging onto their boyfriends. Well, maybe not exactly like them, but she definitely wanted to give their relationship a chance.

"But I want _something_ with you Shepard. I still love you. I still wonder what it would be like if we had never been attacked on the old Normandy." He let his voice waver between normal and desperate and opened his eyes.

"Why? Because then I would have been the same Shepard to you? The Shepard whom never died and didn't have a bunch of mechanical parts in her? The Shepard who was still in the Alliance?" She sounded offended. She pushed herself away from him, her top, not readjusted, still showing her toned abdomen. Skin Kaidan did not fail to see.

"No. Because then our situation would have been different." He retorted, seeing the afternoon light of the living room flash itself all over her, making her skin glow.

"What's so bad about this situation, Kaidan? You know our lives have been nothing but difficult even before we met. What makes you think we would have still been fooling around like we used to?" Her eyes looked tired.

"Shepard, that's not how I meant it. And we weren't fooling around." Kaidan saw her body shake for a millisecond. "It wasn't just sex." His voice was assertive.

"We got lucky, Kaidan." She knew he understood exactly what she meant. Kaidan didn't like where this was escalating to. He knew an argument was bound to happen today, but didn't expect it to be about this. They were fine just a few seconds ago, how could their mood have changed for the worse so abruptly?

"Lucky that we found each other, Shepard." He tried reminding her. He saw her try to move past him and quickly stopped her by grabbing her around her waist, their skin touching each other. "Damn it, Shepard. What do I have to do to prove to you that I still love you?" He yelled at her.

He pushed her onto the wall next to the kitchen and pinned her by placing his hands on her shoulders. She instantly grabbed his wrists and began pushing him off, but he quickly pushed her back, a little help from his biotics.

"I came today. I came to ask for your forgiveness… and you gave it to me. What else can I do? I know I was wrong. And to tell you the truth, this hurts more than when Rahna let me go. Fuck, you _dying_ hurt more than anything." He added, trying to show her, peeling his layers of hurt open, so she could understand. "When Joker came out of that last pod alone, I didn't know what to do with myself." His voice cracked.

"Let go of me, Kaidan…" She warned as she placed her hands on his chest.

"When Miranda sent me that message, telling me you needed help, I was surprised. I didn't think you needed _my_ help. And I knew that leaving you broken like I did was the problem. I knew I screwed up. And I want you to forgive me for that." Kaidan ignored her biotic flare.

"I forgave you already!" Shepard let her biotics push him off of her a little roughly. He took a few steps back from the small blow, and instantly tackled her back to the wall.

"Tell me what you want, Shepard." He whispered into her ear, his voice dangerously low and full of sorrow. He felt Shepard's body shiver under him as she carefully placed her hands on his head and raised her face to place itself on his shoulder, next to his ear.

Kaidan wasn't expecting what she said next. It seemed like Shepard was all over the place today and this is what no doubt Miranda had spoken to him about. He was no therapist, but he knew there was definitely something wrong.

"Take me." She purred.

Shepard knew their relationship was going to be different than their previous one, but she was still willing to give it a try. She had no intention of bedding him when he showed up on the Normandy that morning, but now that she had seen _her_ Kaidan, it changed things. She felt that passion build up inside her with just his presence. Kaidan being himself made her feel those primitive urges she would let herself indulge on when they were together on the Normandy. Urges she never had the pleasure of having since her death.

She pushed his head towards her and forced her lips upon his, enjoying the taste and smell of him. Kaidan didn't back away, he instantly opened his mouth to allow her to go deeper. He began to lift her already wrinkled up shirt and let it pool around her neck after her arms had freed themselves, not wanting to break their kiss.

Shepard did it anyway and threw her top somewhere behind Kaidan. Resuming their kiss, Kaidan let his hands wonder around her slightly toned abdomen and soft back. She let out a little moan after she broke their kiss again and placed her head on his shoulder. Letting go of her breath in short desperate burst, she whispered once more into his ear.

"Take me back to that night before Ilos…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Please share your opinions with me in the form of a review! :)<strong>_

_**And please tell me if you guys would rather long chapters or shorter ones.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Hello all! I apologize for taking so long to update, but being a full time junior in college has its downs with constant tests and projects.**_

_**A little note for this story is I totally changed the fact that the Citadel is always sunny. No night time for them… I personally would go insane with just day time all the time, and I thought it would fit this story a little more.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p>Kaidan instantly became aroused in a certain southern area as soon as those words escaped her lips. He didn't know why all of a sudden she was all over him, but he let his mind focus on the touch of the woman he had wanted for such a long time. He pressed himself against her stomach, since he was taller, needing some sort of relief of his sudden stiffness. He forced his lips upon hers with blind passion. Shepard reached the hem of his shirt and began tugging at it. In the midst of kissing, he removed his shirt and unbuckled his belt and pants.<p>

Going in for another passionate kiss, Shepard tugged at his pants to lower them. Successfully hearing the pooling of the soft fabric of his slacks and the belt buckle hit the floor, Shepard moved her lips to his neck and began to place wet kisses on every inch, tasting the slight saltiness of his skin. They took their shoes off with their own feet, and kicked them aside somewhere.

Kaidan's muscular body was quite the attraction to Shepard, especially since his boxers rode low on his waist, letting her see a slight trail of hair that led to her final destination. She let her hands roam over his body, stopping in various places to rub her finger against some newer scars. Scars she had never felt or seen before. Scars he got _after_ her death. She pressed her fingers against a new scar on his lower abdomen, feeling the extremely soft sensitive pink skin, indicating it was more recent and still healing.

Letting Shepard have her way with him long enough, Kaidan decided to begin to undo her pants. Struggling with the button at first, he grunted in frustration, needing to have more of her revealed to him. He tried pushing her pants down, but only managed to get it half-way past her butt.

Laughing a little, Shepard placed her hands on his bare, slightly hairy chest, and pushed him off of her in order to remove her tight fitting pants. She grabbed the small bunch of the hem of her pants and began to slowly remove them.

Kaidan admired her body. Being physically active almost all the time and having to carry heavy weapons meant that Shepard's arms were toned. Her back wasn't wide, but soft and full of small tanned freckles. Her breasts were perfectly held up in a dark red bra with small frills on the edges and cups. She wasn't the fullest woman, but he thought her breasts complimented her, nevertheless. Her panties matched the bra she wore, with frilled lace around the edges; they were bikini style but extremely low on her waist.

Eyeing her toned legs he let himself get closer to her, cupping her breasts. Kaidan kissed her neck and shoulders, needing to feel her on his lips in some way. Her skin was hot and soft. He let his hands gently squeeze her breasts, feeling the friction of the padded fabric against his palms. Sheapard let out a moan.

Then, Kaidan felt a sudden force push him back.

Almost falling back and now bent over, he looked up at Shepard, noticing a slight blue aura across her hands and arms. "Did you… Did you just _push_ me back?" Kaidan asked in shock.

Instead of responding, she _pushed_ him again, his body falling on the carpeted floor at her brute force. She climbed on top of him, her womanhood on top of the years of his sexual frustration. Shepard grabbed his biceps and held them on either side of him. "You could have just told me to-" Shepard pressed herself harder onto him, causing a moan to escape his mouth.

"Shhhh." She resumed kissing him. He liked what she was doing to him. He didn't think he'd ever let her dominate him since previous times he was always the one to begin being on top. _This_, though, was starting to look and feel good.

He opened his eyes and looked down to see them both in their underwear. The light of the afternoon the Citadel had allowed was creating shadows on Shepard's body, highlighting the curves her armor never allowed. Even her sight made him even more frustrated he hadn't had release since her death.

Shepard began rubbing herself on him and soon enough, he began to feel a wet spot on him. Surprised that she was enjoying it, he let out low moan. "Shepard."

And then it hit him…

Kaidan forced his arms out of her grasp and sat down, Shepard still on him. He crossed his legs and felt her do the same around him.

"Kaidan?" She asked a little confused as to why he would interrupt this moment.

"Stop it, Shepard." He spoke to her, looking right into her lust filled eyes. He held her in place by holding her arms.

"What?" She asked, the slightest bit of hint of disappointment in her voice.

"Stop." He said as he stood up from his spot, having a little trouble with Shepard's weight on his legs. Raising Shepard up with him, he helped her settle to stand in front of him.

"Kaidan, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" Shepard asked as she lifted one of his arms in search for any indication of a bruise or cut.

"No…" He began.

"Then why stop?" She let one hand cover her womanly area, which was wet enough to seep through her small underwear.

"Shepard, I can't just show up in your life again and have sex with you the first day." He said as eyed where her hand was placed and why. "You know I could never treat you like that." He explained. He knew Shepard was going to use their coupling as an excuse to clear her mind of whatever was subconsciously bothering her, even if it were for just a few hours or days. He knew Shepard better than what she was doing now and he didn't want her to walk this route. He would find a better way of helping her than this.

Shepard's eyes widened in anger. "What?" She barked.

"I have more respect for you than that." He admitted. Here she was again, changing her mood.

"This isn't _just_ sex, just like you said!" She growled out.

"It wouldn't be, but I don't want you to regret this." He tried to place his hand on her cheek but was violently swatted away by her free hand.

"What the hell, Kaidan?" She reached over to shove him, but missed as he moved back.

"Shepard, understand. I'm doing this for your own good…" He tried to cup her cheek once more. This time, he was successful. She looked at him menacingly, still upset with him.

Until he saw her eyes tear up….

"Shepard?" He brushed a rolling tear from her cheek with his thumb.

She audibly let out a frustrated cry and closed her eyes, tears forced out of her eyes. That immediately turned him off. _'What a woman's tears can do, huh?'_ Kaidan brought her up to him by pushing her head towards his chest. She took a few small steps and leaned her head against his chest, hearing the slightly fast pace his heart was racing.

Hearing her sniveling, he sighed. Shepard was always so strong, so demanding, so assertive when she had to be, what could have caused her to change? Kaidan let go of her and took her hand and led her to the decent sized living room he had. He motioned for her to sit on the modernized couch and after she obeyed again, sat next to her.

"Shepard? What happened?" He ran his hand through his hair.

Silence.

"Shepard, tell me what's bothering you. And I know it's not the sex." He pried, almost opening his mouth once more to correct himself, since they didn't have sex, only came close to.

Shepard shifted her position to face the window that was on the wall next to the couch. She brought and curled up her legs to hug them close to her body, resting her head on her knees. The inverse window allowed for her to look out, but not the other way around; all of the apartments in the Citadel were like that, so she wasn't worried about the clothing she was in, or lack of it to be more precise.

She stared out at the dark blue hue that now covered that area of the city, still not answering Kaidan.

"Shepard, how can I help you if you won't talk to me?" He let his back rest on the couch and peered over to look at her body. She looked like a little ball.

"I…." She began, her mouth covered by her forearm, obstructing the sound of her voice.

Waiting for her to continue, Kaidan noticed it must have been at least twenty minutes before she spoke again. He didn't want to rush her; he knew being here for her would mean something to her in the future. It would mean something for _them_. He looked over at her again, looking at her body. How could she have so much machinery in her and still look so human?

"I…" She sighed. "I don't know." She finally let out.

Kaidan let his body turn to face her, still leaning back on the couch. "You don't know…?" He asked. His voice was so gentle he didn't think it was even his.

"I don't… I just feel horrible." She picked her head up and turned to look at him. "I feel like something is wrong and it's eating me up inside. And I can't place a finger on it. It's just there." Her voice was soft too, almost a whisper.

He noticed her close her eyes, pensively. She genuinely looked like she was concentrating, trying to find the source of her problem. He moved a little closer to her, wrapping his arm around her.

It seemed almost silly that she didn't know what her problem was. Kaidan's mother always told him and when someone got a feeling like that, something bad was going to happen. He always laughed it off, claiming she was just being superstitious, but now… Kaidan couldn't help wonder if it were true.

He scrubbed the thought right out of his head and tightened his grip on Shepard. To his surprise, she let her head fall on his lap, making it a little awkward that her face was near what he so dearly tried to keep down a few moments earlier.

He tried to move them to a more comfortable position on the sofa and with many of Shepard's grunts, ending up with him fully lying down on the couch, with Shepard's sprawled on him.

This would have been any other man's dream right now: having a sexy half-naked woman lie on top after a bit of foreplay. For Kaidan though, what Shepard had said was a little disheartening, making the moment more saddening than it was usually seen as.

Listening to her soft breathing, he let himself ponder what he could do to make her feel better. His hand, that was open on her back, began rubbing her back in a soft, caressing way. He remembered Shepard telling him one night, after he snuck into her room and made love to her, that she had always liked to be slightly rocked in order to sleep; it was just a habit she had never let go since she was a child.

Letting the flat of his foot place itself on the inner edge of the sofa's armrest, he began to rock the lower half of her body. It was the best he could do given his position. He heard Shepard chuckle to herself once he began to rock her.

And eventually, once again, she fell asleep. He noticed this when he heard a snore come from her and immediately stopped rocking her, letting his cramped leg rest from the sheer amount of times he had repeated the motion. He heard her stomach growl and realized they hadn't eaten dinner. She was looking for something to eat when she was in the kitchen after he called his family.

He was hungry as well, but decided that Shepard was too important to disturb and promptly fell asleep as well.

* * *

><p>Dr. Chakwas stood from her seat at her desk in the sick bay. Having just finished a few more of Shepard's analysis, she walked herself out to the mess, where Sergeant Gardner was currently serving dinner to a few of the crew members that were on board.<p>

"Well, you're finally out of your cave!" Garnder exclaimed as he reached for another plate to serve her with. Dr. Chakwas laughed and saw him motion for her to get closer. "Here! Try some of this! I came up with it using the ingredients I went to buy today." He handed her a plate of what looked like vegetable risotto.

To Chakwas, it looked extremely unappetizing, but she gave it a try anyway. Much to her dismay, it was actually pretty good. Chakwas contentedly ate her meal while chatting with the cook, complimenting his creativeness with the ingredients around the Citadel.

Hearing the hissing of a door nearby, Miranda came out of her office, empty plate in hand.

"How was it?" Sergeant Gardner asked as he took the plate from her hand.

"Better than it looked, frankly." She gave the man a slick smile and walked her way to the decent sized fridge in search of a water bottle.

"You sure you don't want more?" He opened the big pot the food was in and peeked in. "There's more than enough in here for the commander." His voice trailed off. "Nevermind. Word around the ship is she's got a biotic boyfriend. He'll probably mooch off her for food since it's already made here." He snickered.

Miranda smiled at Chakwas as the older woman sighed. "I didn't know the crew was giving off that impression of him." Chakwas set her eating utensil down on the plate and closed her eyes. Rubbing her temples off a bit, she opened her magnificent green eyes and spoke once more. "They've both been through some rough times… I know he may look a little antisocial at times, but he's a great man. It's good to see them together again. They look like a shy, new couple…" She let herself resume picking out, and eating, her favorite vegetable out of the pile on her plate.

"Again?" Gardner exclaimed. "You mean they were at it when she was in the Alliance? Oh-ho, I didn't take her for the type to fraternize." Gardner promptly let out a loud laugh.

Chakwas grunted a little and soon felt a small pat on her arm. Miranda's hand. "Come to my office when you get the chance." Her smooth accented voice was gentle.

"Of course, Ms. Lawson." Chakwas gave the woman a nod.

* * *

><p>Kaidan was at peace. At least he felt that way until he felt a sudden relief of pressure on his chest and stomach. Then, he felt even more relaxed…until the noise of a body collapsing on the floor and a fowl word made it to his ears.<p>

Shepard had rolled off of him in her sleep.

"Damn it." Shepard cursed after her body collided with the floor rug.

"Holy crap, Shepard. You okay?" Kaidan immediately got off the couch and kneeled next to her body that was now sitting on the floor, legs crossed. He tried resisting a laugh, and to his success, no laugher came out. He knew she could be a violent sleeper, especially when she was having those nightmares back on the first Normandy, but even though she would accidentally hit him, she never managed to fall off the bed.

Shepard brought a hand to her head and held it there. Kaidan noticed that her underwear had lowered itself enough to reveal the crevice of her bottom. It took him a moment to realize they were both wearing their undergarments and to Kaidan, she still looked amazing.

"Help me up." Shepard spoke softly, her eyes closed as she raised her arms, hands open.

As Kaidan stood up to comply, he noticed she looked like she was praying: her legs crossed with her arms raised above her head; her face focused as her thick, finely shaped, eyebrows narrowed, eyes closed. He laughed at himself for picturing such a thing and immediately helped her up, contently eyeing her cleavage.

"Let's get you to the bed." He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and she around his waist, her eyes still closed. After opening the door to his room, he walked her to the nice soft bed that was neatly done. He let her go to undo the covers and make room for her. "Here." He sat her down and tucked her in. Passing his hand over her forehead and hair, he gave her a sad smile. "Good night."

He remembered how many times he had done that to Rahna. After they stayed up talking, he remembered he would always walk her to the room she shared with other females. He would always sneak in to say good night to her and hurry back to his own room. He didn't think Shepard was a replacement for Rahna. Never. He loved Shepard. When he first met her on the Normandy, he promised himself he wouldn't think about his feelings for the XO (and then commander), but after talking to her and getting to know her, he realized that he'd miserably been failing, and fell in love with her anyway.

He turned around to exit the room and try to fall back asleep on the couch, when the words he wanted to hear greeted his ear in delight.

"Stay here." She moaned, un-tucking herself and moving over, making space for him.

"You sure?" He turned back around to face her. His only answer was an irritated moan for a 'yes'.

He let himself slide under the covers that were already warm from the heat radiating off her body. He raised his arm and let her scoot closer to him and hugged her after she made herself comfortable. "Thank you." She said as she reached to give him a soft, gentle kiss on his lips.

The kiss was a quick peck, not giving him enough time to kiss back. Once Shepard had settled back onto his chest, he lowered his head to kiss her forehead.

Not feeling as tired anymore, Kaidan settled for just listening to Shepard's breathing. Her soft inhalations were smooth and mesmerizing to him. He turned his head to look at the alarm clock on the nightstand. _'Eastern Citadel Time~1:20 AM'._

Knowing he wasn't going to fall asleep even if he tried, he slowly reached for a datapad that was next to the clock. Noticing he didn't bother Shepard, he smiled internally. He turned on the device and turned the brightness down before he gave himself a migraine, and possibly wake Shepard up. Scrolling and typing as best as he could with one hand, he began searching for something to do on the extranet.

* * *

><p>Slowly opening his eyes and adjusting to the brightness of the artificially simulated morning, Kaidan yawned. He felt relaxed as he sat on the bed. Looking over, at his side, he noticed Shepard was gone. He calmly took the sheets off of him and sat on the edge of the bed. Letting himself fully wake up.<p>

Focusing his hearing enough he heard a voice coming from outside his room, Shepard's voice. It sounded like she was speaking to someone. This peaked Kaidan's interest.

When Kaidan finally arrived to his living room after dragging his feet a little and yawning, he heard the hiss of the main door close and saw Shepard walk half way to the kitchen before she stopped and looked at him. "Morning." She smiled. "I bought breakfast." She said as she raised two bags full of styrofoam containers.

He laughed. "Only you would buy breakfast and have it delivered to you." He made his way to her and hugged her once she placed the bags down on the kitchen counter. She had stolen the shirt he wore last night and a pair of his clean underwear from a drawer.

"I've wanted to have some of that Earth cuisine breakfast. You know that new place? I always pass by too late for me to order." She pulled out two containers and handed him one. Finding the wrapped utensils in the same bag, she picked one out and marched her way to the couch.

Picking out a fork from the same bag Shepard had gotten hers, Kaidan joined her. "I like your attire." He slyly commented.

"I didn't want to scare the delivery boy off by showing up in my underwear or wearing the top I had yesterday. I'd have looked like I was out partying all night." Shepard exclaimed and continued eating what looked like an omelet.

"Really Shepard? You're going to scare a man by wearing nothing but the underwear you had on last night?" Kaidan laughed, shaking the couch enough Shepard could feel it. He knew she looked incredibly attractive in just her underwear…and less.

"Okay fine. I didn't want to possibly arouse him either." She let out a small laugh of her own. It had been such a long time since she heard his laugh. The laugh he had shared with her those nights they would stay up and disclose things about themselves. Good and bad. He would always make her feel better when she said something funny and he laughed like that. And whenever the situation got a little serious, he would always smile and kiss her.

What she wouldn't give to have that right now…

And so she moved over to him, the smell of hotcakes and sweet syrup now filling her nostrils. Before he could bring his fork up to his mouth once more, he turned to look at her. To his surprise, she had kissed him. Her full lips on his.

Shepard didn't think the situation was bad, she just needed to know he was really still there, and of course, because she wanted a kiss. The kiss was rather sticky since Kaidan's lips had some syrup left from the last bite he ate.

Kaidan let out a surprised laugh in his mouth. As Shepard pulled away, she felt the syrup that was on his lips, now on hers. She licked it off and bit her lip and eyed him with her big light colored eyes. She noticed a small smile on his lips.

How would she feel after she had to leave him? When going back to not having him would be preeminent. They could message each other, but would that be enough?

Maybe it was just her. Maybe if she got over this funk she had right now, she would be okay.

After they ate the food that was in the first two containers, Shepard stood up to retrieve the other ones. More salty food for her and sweet for him. "Shepard, how much did this cost you?" Kaidan asked as he opened another big container, this one with a bowl of oatmeal and fruits.

"Affordable for me." She replied as she began to dig into what she assumed were grits and biscuits. After a few more bites into her food, a small 'mmmm' escaped her throat.

"Shepard…" Kaidan warned. She just shrugged her shoulders and reached for the omnitool she presumed was Kaidan's on the round coffee table in front of them and turned on the display screen on top of it. She scrolled through a couple of Citadel channels until she stopped upon the news.

The wonderful Khalisa al-Jilani was on, reporting news about her recent victim.

"I heard you punched her." Kaidan mentioned, his voice trailing off a little.

"You bet I did. I'll punch her twice if she dares come up to me with more crap."

"You know, that'll hurt your image…" He raised an eyebrow.

"No. Nobody likes her anyway!" Shepard defended.

"You were always so kind to people…" Kaidan joked, a little mischief in his voice.

Shepard punched his arm and grunted. "Shut up! You know I'll still go out of my way to help someone."

"You won't punch them too, will you?" He continued to tease, smile on his face.

Shepard frowned. The one time she does something bad, everyone hears about it and judges her like some kind of renegade. The one time she gave into her anger and she gets an earful on it from the man she loved. She turned to face Kaidan, whom was holding in a smile, or at least trying to.

"Don't look at me like that. You know you secretly enjoyed punching her…" He finished off his container of food and placed it down on the coffee table, laying his arms across the top of the couch.

"I didn't just secretly enjoy it. I just _did_. I could hear some of the people around me laugh and I loved it." She finished her container off and stood up, picking his up as well. "It was glorious." She finished.

Walking to the kitchen in her bare feet, she scavenged through the bag that contained a much smaller container, picking it up once she found it.

"Shepard, you still have more food?" he asked, flipping through the channels, stopping on each to briefly see what was on.

"I bought something else." She stated as she picked another wrapped fork in the bag.

"How could you possibly be hungry after all that food?" He eyed her opening the container and saw her take a blissful bite of whatever was in it. He noticed all too well what exactly it was. "Is that… a slice of chocolate cake?" He asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

With her fork still in her mouth, she gave him a small hesitant nod.

"It's only…" He paused and flashed his omni-tool. "Nine in the morning and you're having cake?"

"Cheesecake." She murmured.

"Chocolate cheesecake…" He frowned at her. Stopping at some random channel, he stood up and walked to her. She looked so young in a pair of his boxers (tied at the waistband to make them smaller) and his shirt.

Shepard instantly knew what exactly he stood up to do. She quickly took another bite of the delicacy before he snatched the container away and closed it. "Damn, Kaidan." She spoke, her mouth full of the cake.

"Save it for later." He pulled the fridge door open and placed it on one of the racks.

"You don't know what a craving is." She accused as she licked fork.

"I do." He spoke as he turned around to take the fork from her hand and throw it inside the garbage opening on the side of the island counter, where he saw Shepard had thrown out the containers.

"Really?" She scoffed as she walked out of the kitchen.

"Of course." Many a time Kaidan had passed by a female that smelled similar to Shepard. He would always turn around to see if it were actually her, but figured it was just his imagination. Many nights he would wish he had her warmth and her love. He craved her being to be with him. And of course, he would want her in _another _way too.

"Like what?" She bit off, irritated that she was treated like a child. She was in her thirties for crying out loud.

"You." He sat down on the couch.

Picking her clothes off the floor in between the kitchen and living room, she slowly turned around to look at him, still bent. He gave her a sad smile.

She stood up, her clothes in a messy bunch in her hands. She didn't feel so well all of a sudden. What did Kaidan do for the two years she was gone? He could have simply moved on, but here he was, still wanting to be with her, still wanting her to be a part of his life. Her throat tightened. "Did you miss me?"

Kaidan blinked. He knew what she was referring to and he locked his eyes with hers. His throat tightened as well. "Yes." He sat there, looking at her body for some sort of response. All he saw were her arms tighten against the clothes.

She swiftly turned around and walked herself to the room they shared last night. She had seen the bathroom in there when she woke up. Kaidan immediately stood up to follow her.

"Shepard?" He called out once she closed the door and locked it. "Shepard, please open the door." He called out. He heard a sniffle. Kaidan sighed and rested his back against the cool door. The morning was going so well. "Shepard?" He tried once more.

He let himself slide onto the floor and waited. They felt like two teenagers being silly. Only it wasn't silly why she had stormed off into the room and locked herself in it. He only wished it were as easy as some of the problems teenagers in love had.

He waited a few minutes before he tried again. "Hey in there…" He heard her ruffle the sheets, like she was messing it up.

Once Shepard had stopped her assumed assault on the sheets, it suddenly became eerily quiet. So quiet, Kaidan had to smile to himself. He knew how she would open the door for him, and he was confident enough to know she knew he was about to do it too.

Kaidan inhaled and before he could even shape his mouth to let the sound come out, he heard another cry. This time, it was a desperate, annoyed groan.

"Don't you dare, Kaidan." He heard from the other side of the door. The door opened to reveal her, still wearing her odd outfit, but her face tear stained and red.

He stood up and smiled at her. He knew how to get her to do things. All he had to do way say her first name. It was something people so rarely said. Even for him. He remembered the time he had called her by her name was when they shared their first night together, before Ilos. He rarely said her name after that, he just figured he'd save it for intimate moments with her. She didn't seem like she even liked her name all that much, though he did. It was a part of her.

"What do you want?" She wiped her face.

"To be with you." He smiled as he let himself in the room. He noticed the bathroom light was on.

"Why?" She asked, door closing behind her.

"Because I love you." He looked at the datapad that he had put back on the nightstand before he went to sleep. It was now in the bed, mostly covered by the sheets.

Shepard grabbed one of his hands with both of hers. Staring at the rug on the floor, she sighed. "I… I love you too." She let out. Kaidan lifted her chin to kiss her. A deep, passionate kiss. He felt her hands tighten on his enclosed one and gave her a squeeze back. She let go and embraced him. Feeling the warmth of his back on her hands, she smiled. "Thank you."

"For what? I should be thanking you for not rejecting me after the way I behaved on Horizon." He gave her a hug back, feeling her nails dig into his back.

"Kaidan, I wanted you with me for such a long time. You're the first thing I asked about when I woke up." Her voice was shaky. "I- I don't know what's wrong with me, but I promise I'll try to fix it. I just want to stay with you."

He sighed in her hair. "Just think about _us_ while we have the time." Kaidan felt her nod on his chest. "So then, Commander Shepard, what would you like to do today?" He let his voice gain momentum of joy.

"I would like to shower…" She peeled herself off him and stared at the bathroom.

"You always could…" His voice trailed off, realized she didn't have a change of clothes. "Ahhh…I'll go get it." He said as he opened a drawer and began picking clothes from it. Shepard stood next to the bed, confused as to what he meant. After picking his clothes and walking into the bathroom, he looked at her. She raised her eyebrow at him. He did the same right back at her. "I'll go to the Normandy and get you a change of clothes, although, I don't see why we don't just go back. You can wear your clothes again, no one will know you wore them yesterday… Besides your crew, whom I'm sure won't judge you for it." He said, leaning against the door frame of the bathroom with one hand.

Shepard let her eyes travel throughout his toned body. "I can't." She explained.

"Why not?" He saw her squirm on her spot.

"Cause I took off my underwear and I don't want to put it back on." She replied, her voice low, but Kaidan still heard.

His eyes widened in shock. "When did you take off your underwear?" He asked, needing to know.

"Last night." She looked at the bed, where her underwear was currently hiding in under the sheets somewhere.

"In bed?" He sounded extremely surprised. He thought he would have noticed her get up to change her underwear and leave it on the bed somewhere. "Wait a minute, you're bare down there in my underwear?" She nodded, hand on her waist.

"Can you hurry? I feel weird having a hole here." She wriggled two of her fingers into the opening the boxers had in the front.

Kaidan eyed her hands and what they were doing, just a little more and he would have seen skin so private. Skin he wanted to believe only they had seen. "I'm on it."

After Kaidan bathed himself and made sure he was refreshed, he stepped out of the bathroom. "By the way, thank you for breakfast." His reply was an 'mmhm' from the woman that was on her belly, reading something on his datapad. "Hey! What are you doing?" He walked quickly over to her, trying to snatch the pad from her hands.

She quickly dodged his attempt. "What do you have to hide here, Alenko?" She questioned, a sly look on her face.

"N- Nothing! Give it here." He extended his hand. He really didn't have anything to hide on it, not anything to her anyway, it was just his private datapad. He peaked over to see she had already found what he was trying to avoid having her see. A picture of them from over two years ago. They were laying down on her bed from the first Normandy, smiling into the camera; she had pressed her face against his on the pillow. He remembered how he raised his arm and pulled out his omni-tool to take a picture of them. How he had a migraine that night and he went to her for help and relaxation and after she requested a picture, no flash, of course.

"I remember this…" Shepard announced, like she had been an amnesia patient. He smiled at her, happy she recognized the picture. "You've had this with you since then?" It had been such a long time.

"Yeah. I've had to switch omni-tools since then, but I've always brought that image with me." He explained. "It's a little embarrassing…" He admitted.

"It shouldn't be…" Shepard noticed he was on all fours on the bed, over her back. She easily turned to lie on her back. His face was extremely close to hers. Both hearing some sort of fabric loosen, they looked down to the boxers she was wearing. The knot she had tied had now untied itself and was wrinkled around the area. Her pelvic bone and the curve of her belly were in clear view, with the dark shadow of what was below.

Kaidan lifted his head to face her. Lowering his lips unto hers, he felt her kiss him. His hand placed itself on her lower abdomen and he felt her tremble under his touch. Her soft skin became bumpy due to the goosebumps that had risen from his rough hands.

"Kaidan…" She moaned his name out, grabbing his hand that was now lowering itself into the underwear.

"Shhhh… I just want to feel." He let his hand continue its journey exploring her lower abdomen. He then let his hand travel all the way up to her ribcage, enjoying the smoothness of her skin, even though there were a few scars here and there.

After passing his hand on her belly several times, he smiled. He was so glad to have her back.

The warm hand that Kaidan placed on her stomach retracted, leaving her feeling the slightest bit cold. "Grab me nice clothes, please?" She asked as he lifted himself up from the bed and straightened his shirt.

"Anything in particular?" He asked.

"Something comfortable." She responded, as she reached for the set remote for the holo-television in the bedroom since Kaidan was taking his omni-tool with him.

"Sure, I'll just try everything on until I find something comfortable." He laughed off as the bedroom door leading to the living room opened.

Shepard narrowed her eyes at the television, not wanted to respond to him. "Hurry…"

"Will do." He said as the door closed once more.

Hearing the door in the living room hiss, she concluded she was now alone…in Kaidan's apartment. She felt the tiniest urge in her to look through his things to see if she could find anything interesting that could help her piece his two years without her.

Knowing that there was probably no physical evidence of it like a note or a memento, she figured his datapad had to have something somewhere. She sat on the bed, her back pressed against the wall, and picked up his datapad once more. Her slender fingers scrolled by some of his reports and messages to his crew about certain missions and concerns as a commander. Nothing.

She sighed. She opened the folder containing the one image of them together. It looked like the picture was taken half a decade ago with how much they both had aged. Him more than her due to obvious reasons. They looked cute, she concluded. She remembered she had lied down next to him for that picture, pressing herself against the side of his body. It was a little dark, but the light of her desk lamps were bright enough to see the details of their faces. Kaidan had a smile on his face and she a full grin. It was rare that she had smiled and shown her teeth. She noticed that the picture had even caught her slightly crooked tooth that overlapped her left front one just a slight bit, and that Kaidan's five o'clock shadow was pronounced in the image. She remembered how his slight bearded face would tickle her when he placed kisses on her body.

She sighed once more. Where could she begin to ask him about the last two years?

Giving it one more try, she scrolled through his recent history. Shepard's mouth parted a little as she read aloud. "Central Citadel Airport Center. Flight times to… Earth." She narrowed her eyebrows. When had Kaidan been looking at this? _'1:53 AM'_. The recorded time read.

She clicked on the history link and was immediately greeted with the page he had been looking at. He was looking for the most recent times for Earth flights. But why?

Shepard examined everything about the page, the times and days he had been looking at. The two main things that had grabbed her attention by the throat were the destination and the number of tickets he set to purchase.

Shepard read at the bottom of the page: _"If tickets are purchased for 4 days from now, you will be arriving at the Vancouver International Airport, Canada (your chosen destination), Earth in 3 days and 8 hours. These tickets are for two adults, room and meal pass included with the First Class Military Personnel option chosen. Is this correct? -Keep in mind that due to your choosing of a Military Personnel option, you must provide a valid military identification when boarding the shuttle. Failure to provide said identification will revoke your ticket(s) and no refund will be provided."_

Shepard's heart was now in her throat. She knew what Kaidan was interested in doing, she wasn't dumb. He had been urged by his mother for a visit home and seeing as he had chosen two tickets, he probably wanted to take _her_. He was always romantic, in his own way.

She checked the history once more and noticed he had closed the window after that. He had closed the window and opened a new one with recent Citadel news. He hadn't purchased the tickets. She raised a hand to her mouth, stopping the odd feeling that had worked its way up to her throat.

She lowered the datapad onto the bed and brought her legs up to her chest, hugging them with her arms. Closing her eyes, she went back in her mind to reminisce about all the times Kaidan had hinted a visit to his family. She was always happy to let him take time off to see his family during their next shore leave… But that time never came… at least not for her.

She swallowed hard. Knowing him, Kaidan probably never took his leave to visit his family, not without her. He had been promoted to Staff Commander while she was dead, one could only imagine how much blood, sweat, and grunts he had poured into his military career once she was gone. She knew how hard she worked to get to Lieutenant Commander and his was a rank above hers.

She was beginning to see what he had done while she was dead.

He worked and worked. He showed his strength, because that was all he could do. She remembered that in his message to her, he mentioned a date with some Citadel doctor, but he said it was just to try and steady his life once more. To try and find some sort of balance he was missing.

She didn't know how exactly their date went, and she did care about it, but it wasn't as important as her hurting him. Hurting him with her death.

When she looked at him now, he looked like the same old Kaidan. The Kaidan who would leave her a note or two in her locker, next to or on her armor. The Kaidan who would get her food and bring it to her whenever she was stuck writing reports. The Kaidan who would encourage her to do her best.

She had to settle herself, she promised Kaidan she would, and now, internally, she was promising Miranda, and the rest of her crew. She needed to get her head straight for the next battle to come.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her history search and turned off his datapad, placing it on his side of the bed. She stood up from the bed, his boxers lowering themselves enough for her to want to lift them back up. She walked to the large window at the far end of the room, looking outside, seeing a few people walk their dogs, others just enjoying each other's presence.

Life wasn't fair. It was beautiful, but unfair.

Why couldn't she have been some brat that was attending a university with her boyfriend? A couple in the process of creating a family? Or even two dumb high school teens in love?

Having a love life with Kaidan wasn't going to be easy, but by the goddess, she would try.

Having nothing to do while waiting for Kaidan, she walked herself to the kitchen. There was still a good portion of a chocolate cheesecake waiting for her in there.

With a stressed look on her face, she found the last packet of utensils in the back given to her by the young delivery boy. She would make that fork count. Taking the cake out of the fridge, she contentedly ate the rest. She would hear from Kaidan about it later, but decided she could take the earful. He was worth it.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thank you all for dealing with my late update. I already have the next chapter done but in the process of editing.<strong>_

_**Please review if you are so kind enough! :)**_


End file.
